Only You have come to find me

Sweep me away

2011-12-22T08:57:00.003-05:00

Wake up my soul, don't forget the day
Wake up my heart, don't sleep all night
Wake up my mind, remember His love
Wake up my voice and sing His song

you sweep me away to bone crushing waters
bury me deep in the arms of the Father
Swallow me whole in the deepest of deeps...

I'm Alone with you.

Enter the Worship Circle
Sweep Me Away

http://www.entertheworshipcircle.com/store/product_info.php?cPath=136&products_id=1198

Life with Christ

2011-10-19T22:01:00.002-04:00

your veins constrict tighting the blood flow
the rise of the sunset has lost it's eternal glow
you stand between shadows wondering which way to go
He travels the wind's path, Uknown
spoke life into a world with a single word sown
your life is not your own
stop standing on the sidelines
starring into the face of death
may you relaign and realize
you were made to shine His glorious light
May your sun rise

2011-10-16T21:10:00.004-04:00

Strip away

My Lord,
Strip away

The layers of this heart
Every dark and unsurrendered part

2011-09-15T00:00:00.002-04:00

when words fail

when silence breaks

when tears fall

when mountains quake

Wrap them in your love

speak to them your truth

breathe to them your life

Jesus..you are Hope.

A Poem and a Prayer

2011-09-14T23:57:00.001-04:00

I speak life to you

Arise

let the dead man walk

Arise

Let the dark soul free

Arise..

Hold them Lord,

Those near and far

Hold them Lord,

the cursed and abhorred

Hold them as they run

Embrace them as they cry

Restrain their ways from evil

Do not withhold your love

your mercy

your protection

Your divine intervention

Teach us how to Love

Teach us how to pray

Teach us how to stand

Tell us when to stay

Direct our words

Direct our thoughts

Let your Bride shine

A midst this darkness

2011-06-29T22:21:00.003-04:00

heart change
rearrange
tear or bind
refine

break the flat line

2011-06-29T22:21:00.001-04:00

Beauty in you

I see the seed

I see the root

the ground is dry

the ground is starved

but I see you

Your barrenness

Is your shame

Birthed from a life of pain

You associate with lepers

And the lame

He has stripes too

wounds that cut the soul

Associates with

prostitutes and fools

There's beauty in the broken

And I see His beauty in you

2011-06-29T22:20:00.002-04:00

The Winter's Song

Autumn's cold

and summers gone

the colors fade

like a distant fog

winters wind

lingers on

this is the Winter's Song

this Winters Song

It comes and goes

this winter song

It goes, it goes

This winters song

It comes and goes

No one knows, no one knows

I'll embrace this darkness

I'll embrace the pain

I'll wade through these waters

Just to feel Your rain

Melt the ice

Break the stone

Cut through the hidden parts

Unknown

The dark decent rebounds

I hear Savior's sound

This Winter's Song,

It comes and goes

This winter song

He know's, He knows

2011-06-29T22:20:00.001-04:00

sometimes
rhythm and the rhyme
isn't enough
to counsel through this tough of stuff
sometimes injustice bleeds
And seems to crowd out the seeds of Hope
But I won't forget
the word you spoke
"My Plan's are for a future and a Hope."

2011-01-03T16:23:00.002-05:00

Spring has melted

the bitter, icy snow

the warm of summer

pumps blood through the veins

Of this resurrected soul

"Come Awake"

questions

2011-01-03T16:03:00.002-05:00

There are many questions that have been milling about in my mind over the last little while:

1.Can I minister to members of the opposite sex without it turning into a unhealthy attachment? I definitely have been on the receiving end of this question, so maybe the question is more a matter of how ?

2. How do I honor God with my finances? What does it look like? Should I give out of duty with the intention of obedience or wait for God to burden me to give?

3. What is the essence of an un-wasted life? How do you practically, day by day, live out the fullness of life God has given? How do I spend myself on Him and not on the momentary, fleeting pleasures of this world?

4. How can I live in good conscience before God, knowing the injustice in this world?

5. What does it really mean to "minister" or be "in ministry'? These terms are used so loosely. Ministry is more than just meeting an emotional or physical need--sometimes it seems its more loving to abstain from meeting the obvious needs of those around you. How do you know the limits and lines of meeting those needs? Ultimately it is to God to mend the broken, meet the lonely ect. yet He invites us in to partner with Him...how do we/I ensure my "ministering" is in partnership with God and not merely an effort to replace Him?

6. Why are some prayers so easily answered (or so it seems) and others seemingly not?

7. This may seem silly and trite--- but what is appropriate dress? I feel dress is self-expression. How do I express myself honestly and honorably in my dress, in lieu of modesty & poverty?

The hunger pain of heaven

2011-01-03T15:38:00.003-05:00

the hunger pain of heaven reigns

this dirty broken vessel

longing to be whole

the hunger pains of heaven reigns

the Story of Redemption

never grows old

the hunger pain of heaven reigns

its the Story

Written on my soul

the hunger pain of heaven reigns

....tbc

chapters!

2011-01-03T15:00:00.003-05:00

Here I am in Chapters with my starbucks, nestled in a little corner with a bean bag chair and stack of books. There is something so comforting about this environment. Perhaps it is because chapters has carved out a socially acceptable space for solitude. The outward world of music, employees, shoppers, music and back chatter of other people still reflects our bustling culture, while those of us who crave an inward stillness can take the time to contemplate ideas socked away in books and the crevasses of our minds.

I think this is why I like it here. I tend to come with this quiet expectation that I will uncover a new truth, hear from God in a new way or experience a providential crossing of paths.

It's odd, but it seems I come here with the expectation that I will meet with God-through prayers, pondering and reading whatever I lay eyes on.

2010-12-04T02:19:00.006-05:00

Don't stir my heart to soon
Don't awaken season
Not yet in bloom
Patience bear your fruit
I am waiting to hear
if there ever will be you

2010-10-30T00:12:00.003-04:00

mystery
anticipation
dissipation
fantasy
or
reality
what do you see?

Life

2010-10-11T21:37:00.002-04:00

Recently I have been reminiscing over my teenage years-especially my youth group days. This could be due to a number of reasons:
1. I have a strong desire to be involved with youth ministry
2. I work with youth
3. My sister is one!
4. Depending on who you talk to- I may still qualify!

Youth/ young adulthood is such a unique phase in life. There is idealism, identity seeking, loads of free time, disposable income, the search for life direction and a certain level of malleability.

There is something so special about youth.
I have to confess, I half fear loosing it.
The cultural norm upon graduation is a good paying job, a family, some vacation time and a pre-planned retirement. It seems so linear. So mechancial - I really hope and pray by God's grace I will embrace the gift of every life stage...and not simlply live the status quo life.
How does God dream and envision adulthood, middle age and old age life to be?
Is it as secure & calcualted as North American culture makes it out to be?

I am sure this reflection is a result of one middle aged man's comment toward me a few weeks ago. He commented on how I must be a recent graduate or a new employee. I asked him if I came across that "green," he said it was my enthusiausm that gave me away.
This reminds me of another comment made when I was about 15. I told a cousin I was going to help fight AIDS in Africa. He advised me in a few years I would have my own family and have long forgotten the world and it's problems.

...tbc

Ella

2010-09-30T13:19:00.001-04:00

Today, I am sitting at work counting the clock until I meet Ella.
Her birth reminds me she is among the 1st generation I expect and hope to walk and pray with from birth throughout her whole lifespan. What a privilege and responsibility. Welcome to life outside the womb. (:

small but signifcant

2010-09-24T22:19:00.003-04:00

This week there has been a few small but cool answers to prayer.

1. I had a book I really want to give to someone in particular, but unsure of how--since I did not want to convey the wrong message. All week I prayed about whether or not this desire was from God, and if so-that He would provide the opportunity to give it to this person. Well, today was the last chance I would have. I resolved it was too late, filed it away on a book shelf. This person happened to walk by the shelf , instantely saw it and asked if he could have it. awesome.

2. We really neeeded towels...badly! I was thinking/praying about buying some. I decided I should just pray that God would provide towels instead. That same week we recieved two box loads of gently used and brand new shower towels! (:

3. For a number of weeks praying about whether or not to stay where I am employed. I have been working FT for almost 4 months. My contract is ending, but I have the opportunity of staying on PT. I now have peace that I am to stay PT and see what other doors God opens up!

4.On the bus ride home I was praying for some of the youth when I was reminded of Brie. I was praying God would give me the energy and time to spend qaulity time with her. Later that night, we ended up having a sweet time of prayer and QT-Despite the fact that I was totally wiped.

5. I was praying about sendning a encouragment to some staff at work. Turns out I needed to e-mal this specific group of people for another reason- I'm thinking I'll just go for it.

...

random

2010-09-11T10:49:00.002-04:00

its the in between
its the glorious unseen
its the brokeness you cannot see
its the sigh of relief when you let yourself be
its the space between
its the glroious unseen
He's picking up the peices
He's changing me

I Crave

2010-08-15T20:38:00.000-04:00

I crave to be still
I crave to be held
I crave to be broken, unbound
I crave the sweetness of the reverberating sound
of having been lost, now fully found

Sing

2010-04-24T01:25:00.004-04:00

sing, sing a new song
sing, sing a new song
I have put a new song in your mouth
A song of praise
That many would see and fear my Name

Sing,
on crowded streets
in bustling stores
Sing,
on mountain tops
behind closed doors

Sing,
admist the rain and storm
Sing,
when the waves crash in
When you can no longer see the shore

Sing,
When flowers bloom,
When winter fades to Spring

Sing,
At mid day light,
when all is silent,
all is right

Sing,
and do not waste a single breath
rend your heart and not your garments
before the great eternal King.

Doing life on purpose

2010-04-18T02:58:00.004-04:00

Well,
It's been quite some time since I've posted, but I've really had a desire to write a series of posts about how I envision living different life stages. It will function as a public record and reminder of my dreams at the sweet age of 23, as I fear the expectations and natural rhythms of life will drown out a life of intentionality. So, here is a random list instead, since I am too tired to write something thoughtful!

General things:

1. Live Generosity (Time, resources, abilities, relationships)
2. Tame the tongue/ use it only for encouragement, edification ect. (James 3:7)
3.Write! Worship songs/ devos
4. Develop an intentional prayer time- specifically intercession
5. Adopt/ foster parent - locally and or internationally
6. Do something with African Aid's Orphans
7. Move into a low income neighborhood
8. Teach
9. Youth Leader/ take youth on missions
10. Practice hospitality
11. Stop wasting so much money on food/ over-indulging on weekends
12. Observe the discipline of solitude & silence (and get that book that Bek has on it)
13. take people in
14. Work at or run a coffee/arts community centre
15. cross racial, cultural, socio-economic and religious boundaries in a spirit of restoration and reconciliation in the name of Jesus
16. Trust in God and be open to His performance of miracles/signs and wonders--but in a non-sketchy, biblically sound way, and in accordance with His will kinda way
17. Bring/see restoration, reconciliation and healing through Jesus/ the Gospel
18. Live, practice, see Acts 2.
19. Take time for people, while keeping healthy boundaries and being discerning about who I let into the door of my heart!
20. Act justly, love mercy, walk humbly before God.
21. Sing in a worship band!
22. learn piano
23. Take an art class

tbc

John Piper inspired...

2010-03-03T19:06:00.005-05:00

Take my life

And let it be

Consecrated, Lord to Thee,

Take my moments and my days

May they flow in ceaseless praise

I hold this cup of abundance in my hand

I hold this cup of wealth and prosperity

I am overwhelmingly full

I have forgotten what it means to be in need

I have forgotten what it means to depend

On the provision that has always come

From only God's hand

I am so full I am numb to the feeling

numb to indulgence

numb to need

numb to believe

I am called to more than
to simply receive

Isaiah 50:4

2010-02-23T01:27:00.003-05:00

The Sovereign LORD has given me an instructed tongue, to know the word that sustains the weary. He wakens me morning by morning, wakens my ear to listen like one being taught.

This verse is sweet. I keep seeing it in different places. I used to be so envious of people with spirtual gifts different than my own (like prophecy or discernment). But man, encouragement is a sweet gift! When I read this verse, My heart rejoices"Amen Lord, bring it!

Lord, sorry for despsing your good gifts. Thank you that you desire to give me an instructed tongue that can sustain the weary. May my lips be used for edifucation and glorification, not destruction. Thank you that you waken my ear to listen like one being taught, may my ears be more attentive to your voice. This week I pray, your soverignty would instuct my tongue to sustain the weary ones you bring onto my path.

feeling artsty...

2010-02-15T17:20:00.004-05:00

the year is past
the day is done
the battle at last
has been won
I lift my eyes up
To the eternal Son
and know at last
the day is done

seasons
fall
summer
spring

seasons
past
seasons
come

the melting snow
the failing rain
the flowers bloom
all the same

the dark winter nights
the sunny summer days
your grace and mercy, all sustain

may I not run
or toil in vain

may I not live,
Only to hear
Men praise my own name

the battle is not
to the swift or the strong

the battle does not
hinge on whose
Right or whose wrong

the battles will wage on
but God Himself will be
my strength, my song

Frustrated!

2010-01-30T00:23:00.004-05:00

I just finished (sort of) a way overdue assignment. Except now I feel like crap because it was incomplete and of course quite late. On top of that, my prof was gracious enough to give me an extension to write the thing. I realized I feel guilty for handing in crap because a part of honor is doing a good job. I don't feel I have done a good job, which equals- embarrassment. The annoying part is-- I couldn't wait to finish my assignment so I could go do some worship. Cept now I just feeeeeeeeel crappy! GR. Oh well. Worship anyways.

Opportunities, Opportunities.... which to choose?

2010-01-26T23:24:00.003-05:00

I can't help but feeling overwhelmed at the number of opportunities flying my way over the last week. whether its connecting with an old friend, applying for this student project grant and reading week trip, or thinking and dreading about applying for summer jobs and post-grad life.
Then of course, there are the numerous volunteer opportunities, running and reading, the living rock, the homework club. Then there is campus ministry and fellowship: C4C, CCF, Navigators, KCF, IJM, Inter-Varsity--ect.
How on EARTH do you ever decide where and how to spend or invest time?
I found myself thinking today- is life really about all these "opportunities"? would something be missing if I did not chase them down?
I am reminded of a conclusion I came to about a year ago -when I was wrestling with which friendships to focus on developing, or people to spend more time with.
As the cliche saying goes, the "good" is always the enemy of the "best."
Then there is the mantra that I have picked up from various christian circles---"Jesus called many, but disciplined few" (or something to that effect).
At any rate, the conclusion from last year was--I noticed in scripture, Jesus did not seem to worry much about which person to heal or minister to--as they came to him, he responded. But at the same time, there always seems to be a need somewhere... so perhaps the secret lies in waiting, resting and seeking God Himself.
Today, I concluded-- it's not about all the opportunities. I guess, in a redundant sort of way, its about being faithful where you are, with what you have. I am simply learning the same lesson from a different angle.

2009-11-18T19:37:00.001-05:00

randomness...

2009-11-10T17:51:00.002-05:00

Only you have come to find me
Only you have come to pull me out
Only you have come to wrap your arms around me

No one could ever love me
Like the way you love me
Wrap your arms around me

Oh my God, you've turned your eyes
Now my heart has come alive.

Waterdeep: Save Me Lyrics. (good song)

On Morality and God

2009-09-07T01:16:00.002-04:00

Whenever you find a man who says he does not believe in a real Right and Wrong, you will find the same man going back on this a moment later. He may break his promise to you,, but if you try breaking one to him he will be complaining "it's not fair" before you can say Jack Robinson. It seems, then, we are forced to believe in a real Right and Wrong. People may sometimes be mistaken about them, just as people sometimes get their sums wrong; but they are not a matter of mere taste and opinion any more than the multiplication table." (C.S Lewis)

"There are no relativists who expect to be treated relatively" (Josh McDowell)

"It is impossible to arrive at an objective, universal, and constant standard of truth and morality without bringing God onto the stage. If an objective standard of truth and morality exists, it cannot be the product of a human mind (or it will not be objective); it must be the product of another Mind. If a constant and unchanging truth exists, it must reach beyond human timelines (or it would not be constant); it must be eternal. If a universial rule of right and wrong exists, it must transcend individual experience(or it would not be universal); it must be above us all. Yet, Absolute truth must be something or someone that is common to all humanity.
Those things-those requirements for a standard of truth and morality-are found only in one person-God...it isGod's nature and character that defines truth. He defines what is right and wrong for all people, for all times, for all places. But truth is not something He decides, it is something he is."

The reason we think that there are such things as "fair" and "unfair" is because our Maker is a just God. The reason love is a virtue and hatred a vice is because the God who formed us is a God of love. The reason honesty is right and deciet is wrong is because God is true.

...It is not what I know, nor what you know that makes a thing wrong; it's what God is that makes it wrong

It is God alone who determines aboslute truth. Truth is objective because God exists outside ourselesves; it is universal because God is above all; it is constant becasue God is eternal. Abolsute truth is absolute because it originates from the original. Therefore when...anyeone acts immorally or unethically, they are not just offending another person's idea of truth, they are transgressing God's standard of morality...Right and wrong are not measured by our own standards, but by the nature and character of God himself.

Lying is wrong because God is true. Stealing is wrong because God is just. Hatred is wrong because God is love. These things are wrong, not because society or church frowns on them, but because they are contrary to the nature and character of God.

Ultimately, the truth does not reside in the commands, it resides in God. The truth would not cease being true if the Law were to disappear from the face of the earth, nor would it cease to be true if there were no humans to discern the principal-because the truth resides in the person of God Himself, who is eternal.

oswald...

2009-02-22T00:55:00.002-05:00

"If what we call love doesn’t take us beyond ourselves, it is not really love"

"Have you ever been driven to do something for God not because you felt that it was useful or your duty to do so, or that there was anything in it for you, but simply because you love Him? Have you ever realized that you can give things to God that are of value to Him? "

"There are times when it seems as if God watches to see if we will give Him even small gifts of surrender, just to show how genuine our love is for Him. To be surrendered to God is of more value than our personal holiness. Concern over our personal holiness causes us to focus our eyes on ourselves, and we become overly concerned about the way we walk and talk and look, out of fear of offending God. ". . . but perfect love casts out fear . . ." once we are surrendered to God ( 1 John 4:18 ). We should quit asking ourselves, "Am I of any use?" and accept the truth that we really are not of much use to Him. The issue is never of being of use, but of being of value to God Himself. Once we are totally surrendered to God, He will work through us all the time."

Beautiful...

2009-02-16T15:31:00.010-05:00

"Your Beautiful"
the words loudly read
Etched onto the back of the bathroom door
Inside, I laughed the laugh of a cynic

On the bus
a sign loudly read
"Your Beautiful"
Again, I could feel the cynicism rising

If this is God, I thought
He will tell me a third time
God always speaks in three's...

I arrived home
dropped my bags at the door
And looked down at the mail

And found the words:
"You're Beautiful"
Staring back at me

Even then,
With faith wavered,
And cynicism watered
His patience was not tried

And He spoke to me
One Last time
"Your Beautiful"

"He has made everything beautiful in its time." Eccl: 3:11

dreams

2009-02-10T02:01:00.002-05:00

I am dreaming of a place
where I continually find rest in your grace
where love is not an abstract word or action bestowed upon me
but a gift Jesus gives others through me
I dream, I hope, I wait
That this carnal, fleshley peice of me
will somehow shed this skin of selfshness
and find replaced
a heart of life and love
in place of the heart of stone

self control...

2009-01-29T23:04:00.002-05:00

I was at a prayer meeting on tuesday. When a friend of mine was praying for me--she prayed that God would give me self-control. I thought that was kind of odd, but I have been thinking about it all week and, it makes a lot of sense. The more I think about it--the more I realize my poor financial handelings, bad eating habits, procrastination, gossip, impulsive & useless purchesses and lack of spiritual displine fall quite nicely into the catergory of lack of self-control.
Then, I just happened to fall onto a christian website that characterizes (wisdom as the opposite of folly) and identifies folly as lacking in self control. yup. thats me.
sweet.

dream 2:20am

2008-11-05T23:45:00.004-05:00

i had a dream I was in some kind of facility as a worker. But the dream began in some stairwell of somekind where there were about 5 or 6 lighbulbs Even though they were on, they were so dim, it was like being in the dark. So I was working on trying to fix these lightbulbs so we could have light. It seemed very dungeonish.

It was a special facility relating to social work. Clients were specifically chosen to entre this program. The setting appeared to be like a hospital. The women in charge of the program was a real life student from my classes-suzanne. the program was evil somehow. it wouldn t let people out of it. my client tried to leave the compound, I think i helped her plan. I thought when my supervisor was gone, my client sneaked away and got free. I was happy for her. Then there was going to be a meeting, but I had to go to the washroom or something. I went wihtout my shoes. I decided this was the time for me to run.

I ran to where I thought I was free but someone caught me and brought me back and then i saw that my client who I thought had been freed, was there as well. I started yellng at my supervisor, making demands. Finally I said: God will send people after you, or something like that and that is when I wokeup.

it was kinda creepy.

yuckkky

2008-10-14T23:44:00.003-04:00

Feeling very...self-centred, self-absorbed lately. So much of my thinking revolves around me. ugh.
meeting with chris is tommorrow.

cccf & evangelism

2008-10-04T02:18:00.002-04:00

Today I ended up at CCF. I was on campus meeting some friends and didn't have to waste too much time until CCF started.

It seems like, I have been challanged alot this week by evangelism. I kind of have issues with cold-call evangelism, probabbly because of the way in my early church years, I saw it done, and also the reactions I got to witness. I remember going out with the Bethel Park Youth group when I was like 15 door to door. We hit this one house and I don't even recall how many words got out of our mouth, before the lady started screaming and swearing up a storm and then slamed the door in our face. I think that experience told me that cold-call evenagalism can be an invasion of peoples personal sapce.

Add to this, the way Evangelical Christianity is protrayed i our culture- narow minded, dogamtic, judegmental turn or burn pyschos. Sweeeeeeeeeet.

Compiled by the fact that the way Gospel tracks are designed, generally amkes it seem like a sales pitch, I hate sales. alot.

BUT: God defintely uses cold-call evangelism A LOT. C4C is very commited to it. I know one person God saved this week through it.

I started wrestling with this because Navs is having an outreach - next tuesday. Evolution vs. Creation deabte.

I ran into my Nav friend who had this HUGE stack of flyers he was supposed to hand out. I felt bad for him, because If i were in his shoes, I would not be very excited about the task.

We began on Tuesday, handing out these flyers as a team. definetely a lot of rejection. I am not going to lie, I was reallly against this event, because campus groups do a lot of events like this-that are evolution debates or religious debates. Sometimes I think things are done simply because they work, and not neccisarly because they are the best option. Then again, who am I to judge?

So maybe, this week has been a type of rebuke against my stuuborn thinking. As we were handing out flyers something cool happened. One student recognized Navigators and started saying how she wanted to check us out but didnt know where or when. I thought, would we have had this opportunity if we didn't suck it up and go out there?

So, I have been attempting to hand them out here and there in little bits. It is really hard for me. I feel like a salesman still. But, at least I am trying. So I had two more cool convos from it. A guy named Charlie--who told me that c4c had helped him move into Res, he was very friendly and seemed interested in comming. Yay for Charlie, and Jesus.

I also met a guy named Colin. He had attended one of the similar events by C4C last year: Can an Engineer believe in God? He told me believes in Evoulution pretty strongly, but said that the outreach really had him thinking,

SO, a few cool things came ouf of these seemingly annoying, impersonal little flyers.

Maybe there is a "better" way, and yah- I am being stubborn, but will use it no matter what. I guess it probbabky has nothing to do with what type of outreach it is, but the intention behind it. If obedient, faithful, prayer filled hearts are behind it, God will work. The outreach event is just a vehical for the message.

So, it was pretty ironic to me, that I have been wrestling with the whole method of evangelism and then i show up at ccff to find out we are going downtown sharing. lol.

I thought okay, good I will try. We ddin't really get too far tonight, we met a few people and had some breif conversations.. A guy in our crew met a student he intends to follow up with.

One person got saved tonight.

So on evangelsim....Tae did a message tonight. I was kinda impatient and wasnt doing the best job paying attention but, some things he said were interesting. One thing that stood out to me: he said we can "love" people to a certain point, but we also need to share the Gospel with them. My tendnacy is to do the "loving". If they ask, I will share. If the opportunity comes, I usually talk it. But I tend to do it in a very diplomatic non-confrontaional, passive manner. Sometimes not even doing the whole "extend an invitation" thing.

He was also saying how its like having the cure for a terminal illness and not telling anyone about it.

Well, thats it for now, its 2:45am!

Follow-up on thoughts

2008-09-24T03:23:00.002-04:00

So, I figured the events that proceeded after that last post warranted a follow up.

I wrote that post at work last saturday, even though I omly "officially" posted it a few days ago.
I had been thinking and praying about what to about staying/leaving Navs while at work.
I left work and made it to campus in time to catch the end of the Westside service.
It fiit rather nicely with some of the conclusions I had drawn about being involved in a Fellowship.
The sermon said which ever community you end up in, there needs to be these 3 things present:

1) a place where you are nurtured
2) a place where you can serve
3) a place that you can commit to or "stick with it" was the preferred phraseology

at the time I barely noticed that this sermon was a confirmation of these conclusions I'd drawn, i.e that wherever I ended up, I needed to be able to "share"and "care" (my terms for being nurtured and serving).
In retrospect, I don't feel so badly at having these specific expectations or needs to be met by navs or wherever else I attended. The sermon showed me that these criteria are neccessary for a healthy church, body, fellowship ect. to grow and function.

so the sermon was a sweet pointer in the right direction.

Thursday: was unity worship. CCF kinda spear headed a time of open air worship in prayer in one of the most heavily trafficked areas on campus on a club night! (can you see why I love these guys?? seriously, they have my heart). So worship was sweet, it left me really encouraged, and more convinced of the need to get more involved in unity stuff.

Fast forward to the end of worship time. I ended up talking to Jason for a bit about who knows what, but he breaks out this crazy question: "Lacey, what has God put on your heart for this year?" (reffering to Navs).

Wow. I was not expecting this. What an awesome question. He gave me an opportunity to say a lot of things I realize now I have been carrying around for the past year. He also let me know it was important to vocalize these things. Simply put, it mattered. Thanks Jason and Jesus for that opportunity, it was liberating for me.

So I answered in an incredibly long tanget (suprise). I confessed I was consdering switching clubs or that I needed to find my niche. He shared how he went the "role definition" thing with Chris, which made me feel a little bit better for feeling I need this. I left pretty encouraged and thinking more about Navs.

Friday: Navigator Social. Didn't honestly feel like going, but I made myself. I had a lot of fun. It was a good fellowship time. I had fun obsvering people interact with eachother, particualry chris and agi. cuz they seem to have a really neat, comfortable friendship. It was particularly interesting to me, since I haven't quite figured out how to communicate best with Chris, and I could see that Agi does it very well.

In the car on the way there and back, Agi and I had some good chats about my placement, and she also told me she finally made it on the supply list for teaching in Hamilton, which means she doesnt have to go back to London. This seemed like another "clincher" for me. I am pretty good friends with Agi, and she is also un-official Nav staff, so if she is staying, that means I have at least one "go to" person on staff.

Sunday: I got to go to the Meeting House, went out for lunch with Agi afterward. Had a really intense conversation. I mentioned how I observed how well she communicated with Chris, which led into a huge dicussion about Navs, and me going into even more detail about my thoughts, frustrations, ideas ect.
I fetl like i was finally heard (not that I had made a huge attempt or any, before to be "heard", I actually don't think I knew taht was part of what I needed) but i was basically a more intensive continuation of my conversation with Jason. She made a lot of really solid points.

1) If I am going to have a really challenging feild placement, I need a solid fellowship
2) doesn;t matter where I go, I need to be commited to that one place.
3) an invitation to dicuss some of the things I had with her, with her and Chris.
4) an offer on her part to relay some of what I shared to Chris.

So, that last conversation & the preceeding events are making me think even more, to stick with Navs, but get more involved. Which to be honest, I wasn't expecting. Especially because this semester looks so busy already.
I have no idea what will happen. Hopefully, doors will continue to open to lead me to the place where I need to be with Navs.

Thoughts about Navigators, Campus for Christ, Chineese Christian Fellowship, Westside & Christian Unity

2008-09-22T21:16:00.001-04:00

Been thinking about Navigators, and what my role is there, and whether or not I should stay. I really love CCF (Chinese Christian Fellowship) and Westside. There are a few ways I have been thinking about this question.

C4C
I was a part of C4C (Campus for Christ) in my first two years at Mac. I was really blessed by my time there. I love the people and their passion for evangelism. I struggled with the structure of the group, but that was something I didn’t realize until after God led me to Navs.

Navigators
I discovered Navigators one day after C4C prayer. I had a desire to keep praying, and asked if anyone wanted to keep praying. Josh happened to be there, and told me the Christian fellowship he was a part of prayed in the same space after C4C on that particular day. So I joined them. They were very friendly; it was immediately evident to me how much they loved on another. I could see it in their conversation and in their prayers for one another. They were much smaller than C4C, but this gave them a very unique sense of community. These two things drew me: their love for one another and their sense of community. I especially enjoyed prayer time with them. I felt less hindered, freer to express myself.

CCF
I encountered CCF, I believe in the same way I met Navs, through a prayer meeting. I happened to walk in on one of their prayer meetings, and would join them once in a while. Then, one day I was on campus on a Saturday (which never happens) and I heard worship music. I assumed it was Westside, but when I went to investigate, it was CCF having open air worship. I ended up spending the whole day/night with them, worshipping and praying. I loved it. I was really struck by their faith, passion and commitment to God. What I love about CCF is their passion for prayer/seeking God, and their faith in prayer- they are always praying big. I really love their heart for Christian unity on campus. I also love the people, of course!

Westside
I joined a small group with Westside for the summer, and attended a few Saturday services, as many as I could get myself too. I love Westside as well. They also seen to have a great sense of community, they teach you how to apply biblical teaching (which is great) and they are really strong in discipleship. My brief experience as a part of a Westside DG was really good. Probably one of the best I have been in. What made it so good for me was the level of transparency and trust in the group. I felt very free to encourage others, but also to bring my own struggles and be encouraged and prayed for. I had a wonderful DG leader. She poured a lot of herself into us, and genuinely loved/loves each of us. We are still friends. Because our DG was only 6 weeks long, some of the girls I did not get to know as well as I would have liked, but they were all super sweet. Honest and loving. The best part for me, was the transparency and freedom to share and care.

As I said, there are a few ways of looking at my experiences with all these Fellowships.

1) First, I could see my transition from C4C to Navs as a transition ultimately leading me to CCF. When I felt led to Navs, I assumed that I would stay there, but I also never imagined that I would leave C4C. I have a tendency to assume that if God leads me somewhere, it is for good. (Leave)
2) Perhaps God has allowed me to be involved with a number of Fellowships and churches (my track record is pretty diverse: Brethren, Anglican/Vineyard, Missionary Alliance, Fellowship Reformed, Pentecostal & Baptist) so I would come to the place of having a heart for unity. Each place I have been has been really strong in one area or a few, and weaker in others. We need each other to compliment each other and to learn from each other’s strengths and weaknesses. If this was the point, or where God has been leading—then it would make more sense for me to stay with Navs, but become more involved in the movement for Christian Unity on Campus. (Get more involved with Unity)
3) The final option, as far as I can see- is that the strengths of other clubs, of which I am drawn to, are indication of areas that need to be developed at Navs. Instead of going to where those particular strengths are, I should start building it where I am. This reminds me of a phrase I heard earlier this week: “if you build it, they will come.” Maybe God was speaking to me through it. (Build into Navs)

Well, rationally, the option that I am leaning toward is 2 and 3. The easy route would be answer 1.

At this point, I really feel like I need somewhere that gives me the freedom to both “share” and “care.” Right now I don’t understand my role at Navs. I think if I am going to stay, it needs to be redefined in a way that can feed those 2 areas. I need to see a purpose there.

Need to pray.

I think I am drawn to CCF because what they are doing, prayer, worship and unity, is where my heart is at.

2008-09-05T11:18:00.002-04:00

"We ought to be thankful for the beginnings of mercy, though it be not yet perfect They despised the day of small things, and were unthankful for the good they enjoyed। Let not the remembrance of former afflictions drown the sense of present mercies."
म.ह कमेंट्री

"now be strong, O Zerubbabel, saith the LORD; ... and be strong, all ye people of the land, saith the LORD, and work: for I am with you, saith the LORD of hosts"Haggi 2:4

Did the Isrealites see or know what God was doing when He called them to rebuild the temple? Did they know that He wanted to be at the centre of their lives & heart?

" And I will bring them, and they shall dwell in the midst of Jerusalem: and they shall be my people, and I will be their God, in truth and in righteousness" Zech। 8:8

"so will I save you, and ye shall be a blessing: fear not, but let your hands be strong।" Zech. 8:13

Rebuilding the temple associated with many blessings। Physical and Spiritual. Temple symbolic of God's presence/dwelling in the centre of our lives? Rebuilding the temple symbolic of rebuilding my relationship with God?

"Zec 8:16 These are the things that ye shall do; Speak ye every man the truth to his neighbour; execute the judgment of truth and peace in your gates: {execute...: Heb। judge truth, and the judgment of peace}"

"now be strong, O Zerubbabel, saith the LORD; ... and be strong, all ye people of the land, saith the LORD, and work: for I am with you, saith the LORD of hosts"Haggi 2:4

Did the Isrealites see or know what God was doing when He called them to rebuild the temple? Did they know that He wanted to be at the centre of their lives & heart?

" And I will bring them, and they shall dwell in the midst of Jerusalem: and they shall be my people, and I will be their God, in truth and in righteousness" Zech। 8:8

Thoughts throughout the day...

2008-08-16T23:46:00.002-04:00

I was thinking how a child can sense when their parent is proud of them. How it doesn't require words but it is spoken through their demeanor and attitude. How a parent's pride or confidence in their child builds them to take risks. How it invites them to have confidence in themselves.

I couldn't help but wonder if...this is how it is with God. In that moment of contemplation, I rememeberd a peice of this woman's testimony. She was an orphan, lived in the streets of Korea during the war, was abused in every way imaginable. Was marginzalied. She describes the first time she ever felt love. A couple came to the orphan edge where she stayed when she was nine. They bypassed all the young, pretty children, picked her up, held her, made eye contact with her, and ran their hands through her hair. She said she had never seen a man with so much compassion. Even though their love broke through her brokeness, she was repulsed at the same time by their affection toward her. She had never learned to accept herself or love herself. So she had difficulty responding to this love. I think her story is a beatiful picture of God's love. Why? Because, every time I listen to her story, when it gets to that part, I sense a comfort born of the Holy Spirit. Because Jesus is depicted as rebuking "important & powerful people" for not letting the little children come to Him. They were in a rush. They were too busy. They didn't see their value. Jesus did.

Jesus always went to the broken. The Prostitute's ourpouring of perfume, likley earned through acts of sexual immorarlity, was graciously accetped by Jesus. He never rejected people that saw their own brokeness & came to Him with it. At other times, he wouldn't even wait to call out to them.

Like the woman's testimony--and the man that soon became her Father through adoption, so am I.
Jesus didn't pass me by in the street. He didn't let my ugly places turn Him away from loving me. He loves me right now, even while I am broken. Even while I am a sinner. "While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us."

What would it be like, for Jesus to run his hands through your hair & say "Daughter, Son- I am proud of you?"
Could you accept it? Would you deny it? Would you forget His love is unconditional and non-dependent on what we do?

I love Jesus simply because He loves me. He is faithful. He is Merciful. He is Compassionate.

This again reminds me of a word, spoken more than once- that God wants me to live as a daughter, not as a slave.

I will share one other thought from the day that relates...

My step dad was aksing me if I had asked people to pray I would get accepted to go on this internship. I said no, I asked them to pray for God's will and leading. He asked me why I would not pray to get accepted.
I said, because if I trust God, God already knows what is best, so I'd rather let Him lead. I then said something about how in a way, this could be selfish, since I am pusring my own bets intrests.
Then he responded, Lacey, if you trusted your dad, and new that he wanted you to go on this trip, would it be selfish of you to listen to him, because you know he wants what is best for you?
Holy God moment. He went on to say how the Father's best for me might not be what I would think is "the best", it could actually be quite hard, but in the end-for the better.

The Art of Expression...

2008-08-05T22:58:00.002-04:00

I've always intended on doing a blog about this subject...so here we go.

I truely think artists/performers must be bold people. Albeit, a certain type of bold.

to write, sing, perform freely-- you must be free of concearn for what others think. At the same time, writting/art tends to reveal who you are. This, to me- is a very vulnerable thing. To pour your heart and soul into something, only to grant the whole world access---seems a tad bit threatening. This also fascinates me about art:
How can we prescribe a value to it? I don't think you can, and that is what makes it art. It, hopefully- has not been boxed in by social expectations. Hopefully, it is not bound to a particualr formula-- it just is.

Another fasciatning factor about art- how it is completely and totally uneccessdary in life. Yet, for some reason, it exists. Art, as a subject or proffession, constantly fights depreciataion, since it is unquantifiable. It is difficult to measure, what art is, what good art is, who is considered an artist and so on. Thefore, it is geneally devalued.
At any rate, I think art is one of the biggest evidences of God's existence. It wasn't neccessary. We don't need it, but it does something to people. It speaks to them.

Freedom..

2008-03-13T21:55:00.001-04:00

Thought I'd post this, on the theme of freedom. Verse of the day. Falls in line with the other verse given to me around the theme.

Pslam 146:8

"The LORD sets the prisoners free"

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.
Galatians 5:1

random ramblings at 2:20AM

2007-08-03T02:20:00.000-04:00

today I read somewhere, or maybe it was yesterday--how humility can look at others mistakes and say only by God's grace, is that not me. I am not sure I have articulated the concept well, but I hope whoever reads this can catch my drift. Walking home I was thinking about this and how numerous times in the past there have been situations of temptation. For whatever reason, I was reminded of these, and found myself silently agreeing "yes by God's grace only have I managed to walk along the straight and narrow." His word says "wide is the gate that leads to destruction, and narrow is the way that leads to life, few find it." Thinking about these situations of temptation, watching new ones arise....its incredible the many dangers and snares God has kept me from. I wonder, why he has made me, essentially me. Why was I born in Canada instead of some third world country? Why am fully physically healthy, able bodied and of sound mind? why have I suffered little when the world suffers much? Why have I practically been handed a university education, while there are thousands of intelligent or more intelligent and dilligent people who could not afford or find the opportunity? It's so strange to me, how this cna be. I know its kind of redundant to sit around thinking about alll this--I'm sure it won't get me too far. But still. Two things come to mind as I type this: 1) I should not feel guilty for the privledges I have, but be thankful and praise God for them 2) "To whom much is given, much is required." Funny, I've thought about this whole 'why me' thing a number of times, and never thought of that verse. I see how many charities and whoever else try to guilt us for our privledge. But is it within my control to determine, where I live, or my mental or physical capacity? No, these are God given. It is only up to me how I use them. The real issue here is not guilt or even sympathy, its responsibility. Will I take responsibility for the fact that I have been givem much? Isn't that the greater fear, being unfaithful with the 'much' that God has given me? And so, there is this downplaying, a denegration of His gifts and blessings, for fear, and a pushing away of that responsibility. Even though I have difficulty agreeing with everything Neslon Mandela says in his famous quotation, I feel like it connects to what I am talking about. Mandela claimed,

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

When I was in Ottawa with the Navigators the whole 'privledge' thing really hit me. You would think meeting all those Politicians and policy makers would make me realize this more. Although it did in some senses, it hit me the most when this guy was sharing his testimony about being half cree, half white, of being a product of rape, living on the streets and being told he would never recieve anything past a sixth grade education. He was told he was stupid, and his own mother was illiterate. He had wanted to go to school so bad and faced a lot of opposition. Somewhere along the lines, it hit me---'I have been denying my 'birthright'. I have been despising school and the whole proccess of choosing a direction, ect. and like Esau, not only denying responsibility, but denying God's blessing. Thats pretty intense. I've really just realized...God has trusted me with much.
Recently, I have been reading through the book Revolution in World Missions. I have been really challanged/struck by how the author compares the West with the East. It has never hit me so hard, the luxiours and excessive lifestyle we live. The author really challanges us to see that God has given much, and expects much. We do not need to recieve condemnation for living in the west, or being western. we need to embrace it as a blessing and live faithfully with what we have been given.

with God on the Bus...

2007-07-17T00:03:00.000-04:00

People always say (generally) that they hate the taking the bus places...and I think I have fallen in that catergory to some extent. I hate it on one front, and one only--the length of time it takes verses being in a car. If I need to be somewhere it can beocome frustrating. However, I did not write this blog to rant and rave about why I hate the bus--I wrote it to talk about how much God blesses me through the people that I meet on the bus. I feel like everytime or nearly every time I take the bus. it is an adventure. I watch the people around me, listen to langauges that I have no clue what the people are saying, even the smell---yes the grungy bus smell that reminds me of the nursing home, somehow...is a haven. How on earth is a bus a haven you ask? Perhaps that is not the right word..no I'll go with it. I like the bus because it is raw and real--these are average every day people...and there is no covering it up. Maybe they have a walker, maybe they have a seeing eye dog, maybe they are a single mother with her two kids or a grandmother with her grandchild. Maybe its a new immigrant to Canada, or university students, or the slew of International Students from Columbia Colledge. Maybe its the bus driver, or the woman that I met who can't afford to pay for transportation to the doctor because she moved cities. Maybe its the pregnant girl that looks like she's no older than me, who seemed to content to have a casual conversation with a total stranger. I think I will call it "bus culture." It's ecelectic. You see a bit of everything. It's not like living in cookie cutter housing and never seeing the rough areas of town, its a bridge between the two--upper and lower class, its a bridge between faiths, cultures, ethnicity, it is a unifer. That is why I like it. How else would you ever meet some of the interesting people that I do? Cute old ladies with war stories and reminicing of their deceased husbands. One welsh lady I met the other day told me about her Dad fighting in the Boer War! She went on and on about how uneducated we are these days, and how far her Grade 7 education has carried her. She told me many crazy stories and talked so fast I could hardly keep up with her. The only words that managed to escape from me were "I hope I have stories as adventureous as yours to tell when I'm your age."
Another elderly lady I met was from eastern europe---I forget where. Somewhere that starts with an L I think. She too told me about her husband passing away and what it was like to be ambulatory and cognizent as an 85 year old living with other aging elders.
I've met a lot of neat people on the bus. Sometimes I dont meet anyone, sometimes I just read or think and pray. I love the bus, because it is one of those unexpected places where God seems to show up. Or, maybe its just the only place where my mind is still enough to notice Him.

Waiting room..

2007-06-14T00:19:00.000-04:00

Well, I kind of feel like I'm in this odd spot with God. I can't even describe it. I desire Him, but there seems to be stuff in the way of that desiring. Maybe a fear. I went to visit my grandparents a few days ago, and it just seemed like God was speaking the theme of waiting again. I somehow managed to watch CTS with my Grandma, and this guy came on sharing some testimony, I missed most of it, but the host threw out the theme of being in a "waiting room" with God. I'm not sure what this means for me per se...but then God reminded me of this song that I've always loved, and it picks up on this theme. The general idea of the guys testimony was one of trials. Anyway, I definetely feel like this song describes at least in part where I am at. A feeling or awareness of my weakness...and my need for God. I can't even walk without Him. But I will run when I can not walk...its the running part I dont understand. Isaiah 40 and Pslam 121 come to mind.

waiting room by shane barnard

i will run when i cannot walk
i will sing when there is no song
i will pray when there is no prayer
i will listen when i cannot hear
sitting in the waiting room of silence
waiting for that still soft voice i know
offering my words up to the roof top to Your heart
trusting that this closet's where You are

Lord i know if i change my mind
You will change my heart in time
Sovereign Lord this time's from You
so i sit in the waiting room of silence
cause its all about You

i will fight when i cannot feel
i will trust when You dont seem real
i will tell when i cannot speak
i will step when i cannot see

complicated!!!!

2006-12-25T23:37:00.000-05:00

well well well....I can't help but notice my incredible skill of complicating even the most simple of things. This is quite an annoying habit. I over-think, then i over anaylze some more, then I open my mouth and confuse the crapp out of everyone including myslef. Grrr....the bitter fruit of indecsion!!
onto another random rant....ever notice how in movies they always have to end right when things are getting good? Does that drive anyone else nuts besides me??? Can't there ever be a movie that is totally happy all the way through? I know, standard story line has to have all the given elments, reach a climax and then end, BUT they could still have all that, and then tack on a little extra goodness, couldn't they? Movies don't have to be entirely realistic anyway, its only hollywoood!

guidence pleas.e..

2006-10-09T14:15:00.000-04:00

well...I should be writting this 12 page history essay thats due on wednesday....but I really just have no desire for it. I can't help but wonder if I am in the right place...if what I am taking really suits me, and if I even truely enjoy it. This is not a new concept by any stretch of the imagination. I've questioned and prayed over it before, but to be honest it didn't seem like I received any particular guidence. I just don't know what I am doing. I know that I hate chaining myself to my computer to do work...which is of course inevitable to some extent...but why? what is the goal? What is the purpose? Right now, I don't really have a goal in mind with taking political science and history. So I was talking to my parents about it, and it seems they would support me switching programs. We talked about taking applied pyshology at Guelph....I dunno...don't have a clue!

The Father Heart of God.....

2006-10-04T22:41:00.000-04:00

I have been thinking about many things the last little while....
And asking God many things....
I realize I am but a child....drinking milk instead of meat. Been praying, seeking, asking :"What is the Father heart of God?" I read one verse last week and it was just chilling-even tho it was a single line......"For in You the fatherless finds mercy." Hosea 14:3
There is something to that image of God as Father, that runs deeper than I know. But whenever I take the time to think about it, and look at it-the image of God as Father is so beautiful.
He is jealous for me He wants my heart to trust Him and not throw myself away to worthless idols. He has compassion on me, "How can I give you up? ...My heart is changed with in Me, my Compassin is aroused, I will not execute my anger" (Hosea 11:8) "He will gather the lambs with His arms, and carry them in His bosom." (Isaiah 40:11) He gets angry when I push Him away becase He knows what He has for me is better than the thing I am holding onto..."But they did not know...I drew them with gentle cords of love, and I was to them one who takes the yoke off their neck (Hosea 11) He displines me..." It was I who taught Ephriam how to walk" (Hosea 11: He knows I need to know He loves me "How Great is the love that the Father has lavished upon us, that we should be called the sons and the daughters of God." (1 John) He knows I need to be reminded He has not forsaken me "Never Will I leave you, Never Will I forsake You"

Arriving Home...

2006-08-01T20:32:00.000-04:00

Well, here I am one day back in Ontario. I have to say I miss Calgary a lot. It was so sad flying home and looking out the window and all you could see was smog and haze. No bright blue clear skys and plains or mountains....just haze. My family was pretty cute, they met me at the airport with a boquet of flowers and my mom made me one aweosme home made meal-a seriously lacking commodity back in Calgary! (with the exception of food group-your guys cooking rocked.) But, its pretty weird being home! I looked forward to it so much as the days in Calgary were winding down, but now that I'm here-its a total role reversal. Now I wish I was back in Calgary! It's funny how comming back to the same environment after three months makes you feel as if nothing has changed. But is has. You have changed, but the people around you seem to have stayed pretty much the same. Weird!

Growth...

2006-07-24T04:12:00.000-04:00

well its almost the end of project ): and soon enough I will be on a flight home. Something struck me today, I almost feel as though I am in the exact same place as I was this time last summer. Maybe it is just a little de ja vu, since last summer I was out west about this time, sensed God speaking about similar things, and I am still feeling those old familiar struggles resurfacing. I am begining to take on a bit of a new perspective with regards to spiritual growth. I don't know if you ever truely "get past"a certain struggle. Even though the victory is ours in Christ, we battle daily. I think I used to have this concept that after I'd gone through a few trials and temptations and learned not to give in, that I had gotten 'over' that specific weakness. But more and more I am seeing how that is so untrue in the sense that I am never beyond falling back into those old patterns. It was not so much "me" that "got past it" but Christ in me, enabling me to live for Him despite it. If learning and growth is a proccess, there is never an "I have arrived sign" even if it is in the areas that God has already given me victory in my life. "be alert and pray, lest temptation overpower you" (Mathew 26:41) takes on a much richer meaning within this context. If at any time you could fall back into any given sin or thought pattern , then you must be villigant in protecting yourself against it-always being alert and prayerful, knowing the past sin is there waiting for you to walk into it, and the present struggle has been absorbed by God, who now enables you to overcome through the power of the holy spirit. Basically, lessons can be 'learned' and 'relearned,' but regardless of what you learn, you never graduate, and you are almost always subject to a test. Just when you think you are standing firm, be careful you don't fall! (1 Corinthians 10:12) Woah this rant has totally got me way off what I originally intended to rant about! oops..

prayer

2006-07-20T02:38:00.000-04:00

Lord renew my mind,
renew my thoughts
purify my heart oh God
for only the pure in heart will see your face
let me not lift my soul to another
I know God you go behind me and before me
you are just waiting for me
to trust you with more and more of me
so that you can prove yourself faithful
I open the way you God
Lord may you be my desire
all that I desire
may I put to death deeds of the flesh
refuse apathy
refuse selfishness
refuse to seek the approval of others
but rather, live in love
for without love I am NOTHING
only a resounding cymbol
renew my love for you
even stronger, deeper and more intimate than at first
you are the fountain of all life
only from you living water flows
all else leaves me thirsty
and enslaves me to its desire
but you say that sin should not master over me
In Christ I am no longer a slave to sin
but a slave to your righteousness
Father, I have tried to fill cracked jars
but I have been unable to keep enough to satisfy
pour out your spirit oh God
have mercy on me,
for you are slow to anger and quick to love
abounding in compassion
lord renew my love for you
draw me to my knees
let me know your heart
do not abandon me to the desires of my flesh
may satan no longer rule over me
i take captive my thoughts to you
enable me to stand gaurd
to be on watch and not fall alseep
righteous God, holy father, be the Lover of my soul again.

faith and finances...

2006-07-19T00:46:00.000-04:00

well, I really am just in a mood to rant. For some reason today I am all worried about finances...and its so ridiculous. I am blessed from the Lord beyond measure and have never been in want, yet I find I worry! Temporarily being on my own has really revealed to me my own battle with materialism. How ungreatful I have been in the past, and how much of what God has blessed me with I have hoarded. Again and again I am reminded of Malachi that talks about how God has "shut up" the heavens because his people are robbing Him in tithes and offerings. I would say, that is about an accurate represenation of me at this point. Perhaps I am too hard on myself, and am really still finding the fine line between obedience and legalism, but regardless I still struggle. Will it be said of me "well done good and faithful servent?" in this regard? To be anxious about this seems theologically inconssitsent, but it doesn't change the fact that I am. For some reason I have this horrible image in my mind that once I arrive home my own parents will be horribly dissapointed with the way I managed these things. Its a bit of an akward fear...but anyway! I really need to embrace the peace of God that surpasses all understanding, to allow this truth to gaurd my heart and mind. I know many things in my head, but much less do I 'know' them in my heart. I suppose it is wisdom that moves head knowedldeg to heart knowledge. That is what I seek. It is funny how much this is consumrning me-I am somewhat embaressed to admit. The whole passage about man not being able to serve both God and money really comes into a whole new perspective. I am begining to understand why and how easy it is to be wrapped up in the fairs of this world, rather than trusting God. yet He says...be anxious in nothing...and he clothes the lilies of the feild with greater splendor than that of the richest kings ....He IS Jehovah Jirah my Provider! It is so ridicuouls to be typing any of this...I think part of the reason why is because I may be operating on an old system-the system of the law and works righteouness rather than grace. I feel guilty for spending money when I shouldn't have and impulsvly buying non-essentials, but then God STILL gives me more. Whether it be a check in the mail or resouces/food shared, meals payed for or clothing given (all of which have been occuring almost regularly). I feel guilty because God keeps giving, and I feel like the prodigal son, who squandered his fathers wealth. I'm sure that is a bit of an exageration, but I think the point is-God keeps giving even when I don't deserve it. It seems he may be using the area of fianances to broaden my view of grace.
A favourite worship song comes to mind....
your love is deep
your love is high
your love is long
your love is wide

deeper than my view of grace,
higher than this worldly place
longer than this road I travel
wider than the gap you filled

the problem is...I keep trying to DESERVE God's goodness by attempting to be financially faithful-and inevitably failing......but he gives anyway. I can't really wrap my mortal mind around that.

oh dear....lets go to the bible now...

Romans 10:17 "Consequently, faith comes from hearing the message, and the message is heard through the word of Christ."
John 15:7 "If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you."
John 14:23b "Jesus replied, "If anyone loves me, he will obey my teaching. My Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him."

Repeat each scripture three times as follows, once to God thanksgiving for His Word and promises, once to yourself in proclimation saying "I believe.." once to the enemy in spiritual warfare saying "It is written"

2 Chron 25:9 "Amaziah asked the man of God, "But what about the hundred talents I paid for these Israelite troops?" The man of God replied, "The LORD can give you much more than that."

Psalm 34:4-6,
I sought the LORD, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.
Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.
This poor man called, and the LORD heard him; he saved him out of all his troubles.

9-10
"Fear the LORD, you his saints, for those who fear him lack nothing.
The lions may grow weak and hungry, but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing."

15 " The eyes of the LORD are on the righteous and his ears are attentive to their cry"
17 "The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles."

Psalm 37:4 "Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart."
25 "I was young and now I am old, yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken or their children begging bread."

Psalm 55:22
"Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you;he will never let the righteous fall."

Psalm 68:19
"Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens."

Proverbs 10:4,
"Lazy hands make a man poor, but diligent hands bring wealth."

Matthew 6:33
"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well."

John 14:13-14

"And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Son may bring glory to the Father. You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it."

2 Corinthians 8:9

"For you know the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, that though he was rich, yet for your sakes he became poor, so that you through his poverty might become rich."

Phil 4:6-7,19-20

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

"And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.
To our God and Father be glory for ever and ever. Amen."

Been a while...

2006-06-10T10:48:00.000-04:00

Wow, it has been a crazy long time since I have posted. But I guess I rally feel like a rant. I am still out here and Calgary, and havent posted much of anything, anywhere even on the Calgary blog. I don't think anyone really looks at it anyway, but I sill prefer my orginal lonely little blog over anything else!
so here's whats been on my mind...
I never noticed the lack of male leadership so much until now. Not that the leadership is bad here or anything, its awesome, I'm just beginnig to see a little bit more cleary I guess. It's never really been on my heart to pray for male leaders to be raised up, but I geuss I'm turning over a new leaf. I was reading in Joshua about the daughters of Zelophad, and it just struck me, how there was a time when the women had to stand in the gap because there was no male around. The inheritance of Joseph would have been cut off if it were not for them. Now, I'm not trying to sound all feminist here, but I found it intersting.

Song for today....

2006-03-10T18:39:00.000-05:00

I hear a tremor in your voice
I know that means there something more
memories start spilling lies
like broken glass on the floor

you try to hide the pain
but he is opening the floodgates
when the pain goes to deep
dont let the memories fall alseep

give him the memories key

the sorrow's in your finger
now its so hard to touch again
your heart was filled with torment
now your afraid to learn again

you try to hide the pain
but He is opening the floodgates
when the pain goes to deep
dont let your memories fall asleep
give him the memories key

A flower planted in the ashes
from your eyes the tears fall
but still I see your blossom
I wonder where your strength comes from

wielding all the roses
barring all the bones

oh ashes they become

let the tears flow like streams of gold
turn all the sorrow and let it go

You MUST read this Entry NOW!

2006-03-08T23:32:00.000-05:00

Well, I was going to refrain from posting today, due to the enormous amount of work I have yet to do. But I cannot help but speak of God's goodness and give Him praise. WOW! I love God! lol ...as if that wasn't obvious..anyhow!
So many of you may know I have been battling what to do this summer, and have recently decided that although the door to Tanzania was closed, another opened to go to Calgary, and I have decided to walk through that door, trusting God will stop me if for whatever reason it is not His will.
WELL! As usually, following the intial decsion I began doubting (never mind the fact that a few weeks before two specific verses stood out to me in Genesis: " The Lord your God will be with you" And the place where Abraham was to sacrifice Issac was called "The Lord Will Provide.")
However, I wrote this off as another haphazrd cicrumstance (as this was before acceptance to Calgary had been received) and asked God to give me a verse and continue to affirm His will for me in Calgary. WELL!
I am reading in Exodus right now and these few sections really convicted my heart:
"I will do the very thing you have asked, because I am pleased with you and I know you by NAME!" (Exodus 33:17) I first read this the other day, and was so moved by it, I had to stop reading and just consider how amazing that is. Not only does God's word say He is pleased with me but that he knows me by name...This is God of the universe speaking...its insane! Anyhow, I really felt in my heart that this might be the verse I prayed for, but I didn't see how it related directly to Calgary.
WELL!
Today I decided to re-read the past few sections because they were so good, and once this verse is put in context-it applies all the more.
God had instructed Moses to go up to the land he had promised them, and in the comming chapters, God was going to instruct Moses to build the tabernacle..an endeavor that would cost quite a bit!
In verse 12: Moses says to God: "You have been telling me, 'Lead these people', but you have not let me know with whom you will send me with. You have said, "I know you by name and you have found favour with me.' If you are pleased with me, teach me your ways so that I may know you and continue to find favour with you."
"The Lord replied: My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.
Then Moses said, "If your presence does not go with us, do not send us up from here. (this is essentially what I had been praying beforehand..)
How will anyone know that you are pleased with me and with your people unless you go with us? What else will distinguish me and your people from all the other people on the face of the earth?"
And the LORD said to Moses, "I will do the very thing you have asked, because I am pleased with you and I know you by name."
I also read this:
Exodus 36:2-5
They received from Moses all the offerings the Israelites had brought to carry out the work of constructing the sanctuary. And the people continued to bring freewill offerings morning after morning. So all the skilled craftsmen who were doing all the work on the sanctuary left their work and said to Moses, "The people are bringing more than enough for doing the work the LORD commanded to be done."

Moses was called to a task, God provided more than enough. This is espcially interesting, seeing as this weeks bible studying I was focusing on "letting go of what ever you hold in your hand (i.e whatever you cling to for security, or the one thing left un-surrendered to God) and allowing God to give to you what He has, because God gives in abundance. All throughout the bible, the emphesis is never on God 'robbing' us of joy or good things, but rather giving in abundance. We only rob ourselves in clinging to things that deny us of the abudance He wants to give, if we would just let go and Trust Him.
Anyhow, that was just one cool aspcet.
So I am on the bus comming on from school, and this boy I know was sitting way at the back, and I was just sitting at the front praying and praising God for His goodness and all the things he has so richly blessed me in, and the guy motions me to come over. So I go, and he says, "I noticed you smiling and all excited over there, whats going on."
LOL! Oh dear...the conversation was FAR too long to give a rendition, but it was SWEET! Anyhow, that was another sidenote, not really related to Calgary, but in general-how awesome God is to let me speak of Him to my friend.
ANYHOW!
so THEN, I get home and I have mail.
A friend sent me some money, saying God convicted her to give it me, and then a whole bunch of verses were listed that have to do with Faith and trusting God....(a very relevant theme, incase you missed that!)
(just for your refrence, it was dated Feb, 10 -way before I knew I was going to Calgary.)
So God is good. I am extremely blessed.
Another thought, I discoverd why-atleast in part I hate asking for money period...or feel guilty being given things. It is because I am generally not much of a joyful giver.
The verse "freely you have recieved, now freely give." Popped into my head the other day and I realized -once you realize how much you actually have, and how much you don't deserve it, and then God just keeps giving more--all you want to do is pour everything you've got back to Him. I think that prayer about becoming a joyful giver may be comming to fruition.
FINALLY, one last thought before I end this exceedingly long rant:
Exodus 34:

"Before your people I will do wonders...the people you live among will see how awesome is the work that I, the Lord, will do for you."

This has always, really been my prayer. I desire so much for others to see God and know Him, as He has allowed me to. I know that God does wonders and works in mysterious ways not just for me...but so that others may see that it is HIM who does these things.That yes, He does exist, He is full of love and mercy and goodness and these are the things he has stored up for those who seek Him/ accept Him/love Him/obey him/and follow Him.

stole this from karen..

2006-03-05T15:20:00.000-05:00

THINGS I WANT TO DO/SEE BEFORE I DIE
1.Get married
2. something to do with African AIDS orphans
3. Have kids (its a given)
4. overseas missions!
5.see God do more than I could ever image and be apart of it
6.revival!
7. I have no clue what else...
.THINGS THAT ATTRACT ME TO THE OPPOSITE SEX (going from initial attraction to lasting attraction, with the initial ones becoming less important as you progress):
1 usually first thing i notice is eyes and smile
2. intelligence
3. perceptive/responsive
4.leadership
5. gentleness & strength
6. someone who can challange me without being demeaning
7. passion for God
THINGS I SAY MOST OFTEN:
1.like
2.crazy!
3 ____a holic (I like to make up phrases)
4 !
5. (:
5. not really sure what else!
6
7

THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT ME:
1. I talk A LOT & apparently I'm quite loud
2. I can be critical..not the best attribute..by far
3. I'm far more willing to admit faults then strengths
4. Tendancy to analyze everything, and then over-analyze it
5. I am pretty sensitive-thus gentleness needed
6. My number one goal is to live for God..so don't be suprised..
7. I tend to be an "all " or "nothing" person-either I don't try at all, or I give it everything I've got.
I am super cuddly! ( I love hugs)

On being Still and knowing that He is God

2006-03-05T12:35:00.000-05:00

well, its been quite some time since I have posted. But I guess I am just in the mood to post some of the things that keep comming up in devos and other random stuff on my heart.

While it seems before God was really speaking "waitng, trusting and hoping in Him", now most of the verses I've been comming across lately have to do with being still, resting, being quiet or silent. I always find it interesting how there seems to be certain clusters of verses or words that are almost synonmous to eachother, yet add more to the general concept that end up comming up at the same time.
At first I was really in denial about God telling me to "be silent" so I kept on asking for confirmation if he REALLY was telling me to be silent. Just as one example (as there are countless others) I was doing devo's and I am in Exodus right now and this is what I read:
“The LORD will fight for you while you keep silent."
Exodus 14:14

"Do not fear! Stand by and see the salvation of the LORD which He will accomplish for you…
Exodus 14:13
By this time, a friend of mine had already given me a whole bunch of verses on this theme, as I had been debating whether or not God had called me to be silent.

Isaiah 30:15 this is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says: "In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it.
"Be still, and know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10).

"Stand still and see this thing the Lord is about to do before your eyes" (1 Samuel 12:16).

"My soul waits in silence" (Psalm 62:1)
"Be at rest once more, O my soul" (Psalm 116:7)

"Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him . . ." (Psalm 37:7).

Isaiah 64: 4 since ancient times no one has heard, no ear has perceived, no eye has seen any God besides you who acts on behalf of those who wait for him.

Anyway,so I'm reading in Exodus and I'm like Ok God, thats some good confirmation, but I think I'm going to need a little bit more confirmation than that. So I was reading my friends blog and the conclusion to an Elizbeth Elliot devo was basically, "watch silently, pray quietly." So I figured this is enough evidence that God has called me to be silent and or still. Then I get to church, and on the back of the church Bullitein is "Be still and know that I am God." Then of course, at church today they read it again (different church than last week...)
Now that its pretty obvious this is the case, I have come up with a bundle of more questions. What/who am I to be "silent, still or quiet" to/in? There are a few areas I had brought before God in prayer, and It seems as though any number of them could be related to being still. Such as in longing to be a witness for Christ, or in seeking Gods will in regards to Tanzania. A few other verses came up again-Isaiah 30:15.
Then I also read Lamentations 3:25 a few times.
The LORD is good to those who wait for Him,
To the person who seeks Him.
It is good that he waits silently
For the salvation of the LORD.
It is good for a man that he should bear
The yoke in his youth.
Let him sit alone and be silent
Since He has laid it on him.
Let him put his mouth in the dust,
Perhaps there is hope.
Lamentations 3:25-29

Finally, now I've been comming to verses that talk about having a "gentle and quiet spirit" (apparently it is the mark of a Godly woman!) So I was like does that sound like me? hmmm.....gentle? quiet?
How about loud and I'll admit, sometimes a bit harsh?
So, I'm not really understanding entirely what God means by this. (Isn't that always the case?) I don't know that it means literally just shut up all the time..maybe. I'm leading more towards the "gentle and quiet spirit" thing. lol.
anyhow thats one rant done!

2006-02-07T03:46:00.000-05:00

Who can enter the inner courts of the King?
Who is there worthy to lay their head at his feet?
Or find their home in his dwelling place?
He is clothed in white
HHHis glory radiates majesty and splendor
Brighter than the sun
Higher than the heavens
Deeper than the seas
I am but a breath before him
A mere speck on the shore
My fine linens are rags
My glory flees at the sight of his
Faster than shadows that flee the light
It is swallowed up as a fire devours dried embers
What have I that I can offer my King?
He holds the nations in the palm of his hand
At his command the armies prepare for battle
By his name he could withdraw my very breath
The whole world is nestled beneath his feet
All wealth and power are his
To whom can I compare him?
Before his throne, my kingdoms are ruins
Who am I
To even enter the outer courts
Yet in his mercy, he invites me to sit at his table
He clothes me in righteousness not my own
That I may partake of his table

A Poem

2006-02-07T03:39:00.000-05:00

They Tell me I must bruise
The rose’s leaf
Ere I can keep and use
Its fragrance brief
They tell me I must break
The sky larks heart
Ere her cage song will make
The silence start
They tell me love must bleed
And friendship weeps
Ere in my deepest need
I touch that deep
Must it always be so?
Must they be bruised and go
With beaten wings?
Ah, yes! By crushing days,
By caging nights, by
Scar of throne and stormy ways
These blessings are.
-- Dr. Jowett

Hosea

2006-02-07T03:36:00.000-05:00

"When [you] were a child I loved [you]
and out of [bondage] I called [you]
but the more I called [you] the further [you] ran from me...
It was I who taught [you] how to walk,
taking [you] by the arms
but [you] did not realize it was I who healed [you]
I led [you] with cords of human kindness,
with ties of love I lifted the yoke from [your] neck
and bent down to feed [you]
Will [you] not return to [bondage]
And will not [sin] rule over [you]
because [you] have refused to repeant?...
My people are determined to turn from me...
How can I give you up?...
How can I hand you over?...
My heart is changed within me
My compassion is aroused
I will not bring out my feirce anger...
For I am God and not man-
The Holy One among you"

Hosea 11

God's Love and Randomness

2006-02-05T21:15:00.000-05:00

Lord God you know...
my heart
my innermost being
you knit me together in my mothers womb
you precieve my thoughts from afar
you know when I sit down and when I rise up
you hold me close to your chest
As a Father comforts his children
So You comfort me
You have promised to wipe away every tear from my eye
You have come to give me life, and life more abuntantly
You have come to restore the broken hearted
To set the captives free
To release those who are in chains
You make my feet firm like the deer
And enable me to walk along the mountain heights
You are the lily of the valley
The Bright Morning Star
You are the Prince of Peace
Your name is Holy
Your name is Righteous
You are Faithful
You will never leave me
Nor forsake me
You are my Shelter
My refuge
My hope
My strength
My Peace
My comfort
Your love abounds
Your love is deeper than my view of Grace
As far as the east is from the west
so you have seperated my sins from me
How deep is the Love that the father has lavished upon us
that we should be called sons and daughters of God
how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ
love that surpasses knowledge
Your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in you. (Psalm 33:22)
How priceless is your unfailing love! Both high and low among men find refuge in the shadow of your wings. (Psalm 36:5-7)
But you, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness. (Psalm 86:15)
I will sing of the Lord's great love forever; with my mouth I will make your faithfulness known through all generations. [2] I will declare that your love stands firm forever, that you established your faithfulness in heaven itself. (Psalm 89:1-2)
This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. [10] This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. (1 John 4:9-10)
The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." (Zeph. 3:17)
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, [39] neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:38-39)
Jeremiah 31:3 the Lord says: "I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness."
"it was because the LORD loved ME that he kept the oath he swore to my forefathers that he brought me out with a mighty hand and redeemed mefrom the land of slavery, from the power of [sin] Deut. 8:7

I truely don't think I undertsand God's love for me. It seems He keeps bringing me back to that point, and I really think it is because I do need to be reminded. It seems so simple...but I find it is so easy to project onto God human tendancies, and then expcet he will act in such a way.
It's funny, that when I first heard God speak to me it was of His love. It was from Romans 8 that says "nothing can seperate from the Love of God" and " Never will I leave you nor forsake you." At the beggining of this week, the worship song "You Love is Deep" was placed on my heart. I didn't recognize that it was God who had placed it there, until the CCFC womens social, when the speaker quoted from Ephesians 3 "And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ." Virtually, the exact same line.

Girls Night! Insane teaching!

2006-02-04T13:50:00.000-05:00

Well well well! Us ladies had one fantastic night after Campus for Christ meeting. As I have said, this week has been insane! So many things going on, and God is doing so much amazing stuff. Even as I looked around the room at the girls that came, it is so evident God is not just drawing more people to Himself,but really causing us to grow in Him. It's so good to see others developing a stronger passion for Christ, and allowing Him to change them more into the image of Christ. It seems like its easy to forget that seeing others come to Christ is not the end in itself. In reality, it is just the beginning. Anyhow, I wanted to post what our guest speaker spoke on, because I found it really challanging. Feel free to post thoughts!

Emotional Integrity
Sylvia Thompson

Masks: We wear "masks" to hide two things:
(1) That we are not imperfect
(2) That we are not sinful or immature

In Genesis 3 Adam and Eve Hide:
(1) In the trees (Hidding from God)
(2) Covered themselves with Fig leaves (Hid from eachother)
(3) Blamed eachother for sinning (Hid from themselves )

we are hidding from the fact that we are sinful and immature

Two Choices:
(1) Wear a mask to pretend we are who we want to be
(2) To pretend that we don't want to be that person we are pretending to be

Examples of Masks people Wear:
-confidence
-fake hapiness
All masks have beliefs underneath them

Common beliefs behind peoples masks:
(1)If you really knew me, you wouldn't love me
-believe they are worthless
-if someone tries to love this person-they must prove it
-the reult=choose who gets close to them

(2) a)I don't need anybody
-"I'm important"
-No time for relationships, school, work
-We delight in being busy because it makes us feel important
-TRUTH: God didn't make us just to PRODUCE but to 'BE'
-I.e It wasn't good for Adam to be alone
-we all have a need for relationships

b) (Christian Version of this belief)
-Says "God and Me are enough"
-TRUTH: A relationship with God isn't enough we are created for relationships with others

3) You love me because you need me
-take care of ourselves by taking care of others
-its about being needed
TRUTH: We all need relationships in which we are "given to" and "taken from"
I.e It is not wrong to receive from others!
-You can't always be a servant, otherwise you will develop pride
-Being served by others keeps humility in check

How To Take off Your Mask!
-can be painful & traumatic but necessary to grow
Three Steps:
(1) Acknowledge you are wearing a mask & what that mask is
-If you are unsure, ask God to show you or ask others who know you
(2) Ask God to show you why you wear your mask
(3) CHOOSE to believe the truth
-masks exist because we are hidding from the truth
-with every mask there is a choice to either belive the truth or the lie
-choice-Will you choose to belive God or your own fears?

How to Tell if you are wearing a Mask:
-When an image you have of yourself is being threatened by someone else
-I.e What characteristic about yourself do you value the most and what do you do when that starts to be threatened?
-the true will come out when you are under stress
-compare stressed you to normal you

How do you think God sees you right now?

-Isaiah 40:11
"He will feed his flock like a shepherd. He will gather the lambs in his arm, and carry them in his bosom. He will gently lead those who have their young"

Ephesians 3

"14For this reason I kneel before the Father, 15from whom his whole family[a] in heaven and on earth derives its name. 16I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."

-Relax in the knowledge that there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ (Romans 8:1)
-God is not dissapointed in you
-He sees you as beautiful, pure and holy
-If you could belive that you could let go of your maks and trust Him

Rant-o-rama!

2006-02-03T00:58:00.000-05:00

Well its been a while, and quite fankly it may be a while before I post again. For some reason I have managed to be insanely busy (or so this is how I feel) yet have not been doing very much school work besides trying to keep up on readings (which is a enough work in and of itself for me) But anyhow, I'm just so excited at the things God is doing and how awesome He is. I forget that God doesn't view me as I do, and he is so slow to anger and abounding in love. This week has been cool because everywhere I look I see God showing me Himself as Compassion. Compassion is becoming a bit of a theme for me. As I was praying this phrase came to mind: "what is compassion if it is not motivated by love and manifested in action?" I know God has given me atleast in part, a heart of compassion but I think I let myself drown it out a bit, for fear that I am so small and the things that move me are so big, forgetting that God himself is so much bigger than all of that. So I have begun to pray, where God would have me show his love, where am I to be His hands and feet? And tonight I got presented with QUITE the challange. Some of you may know I have been in the process of applying to Tanzania-not quite sure if God has called me, but remmebering that age old desire to go to Africa and prayerfully considering. WELL! I was speaking with a few differnt people, and two of them asked me why don't I just scrap going to Tanzania, and live on campus for a year-and have that be a mission feild. WAH! hahah and I thought Africa was a crazy idea....so if you are reading this-pray Gods will in discernment for me in these two areas. It was just early today, and on many other occasions I found myself wishing I lived on campus, in hearing all that God is going in the differnent residences, and how God has raised up his servants. Well, I'm way to tired to rant on..but God is good, and God is moving and answering prayers in mighty ways. (:

Well I woulnd't normally post these...but since I did it on Peiter's blog....lol

2006-02-01T22:45:00.000-05:00

What Do You Think About My
Personality:
Eyes:
Face:
Hair:
Clothes:
Manners:
Answer These Too
[1] Who are you?
[2] Are we friends?
[3] When and how did we meet?
[4] How have I affected you?
[5] What do you think of me?
[6] What's the fondest memory you have of me?
[7] How long do you think we will be friends or enemies?
[8] Do you love me?
[9] Have I ever hurt you?
[10] Would you hug me?
[13] Are we close?
[14] Emotionally, what stands out?
[15] Do you wish I was cooler?
[16] On a scale of 1-10, how nice am I?
[17] Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it
[18] Am I loveable?
[19] How long have you known me?
[20] Describe me in one word.
[21] What was your first impression?
[22] Do you still think that way about me now?
[23] What do you think my weakness is?
[24] Do you think I'll get married?
[25] What about me makes you happy?
[26] What about me makes you sad?
[27] What reminds you of me?
[28] What's something you would change about me?
[29] How well do you know me?
[30] Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
[32] Are you going to put this on your blog and see what I say about you?

a song from the reformed church that rocks

2006-01-22T17:16:00.001-05:00

God of All Living we make our Confession: too long have we wasted the wealth of our lamd

God of All Living renew our compassion and open our hearts while we reach out our hands

Brothers and sisters of mine are hungry who sigh in their sorrow and keep in their pain

Sisters and brothers of mine are the homeless who wait without shelter from wind and from rain

Brothers and sisters of mine are the hungry, and I shall not feast till the hungry are fed.

Brothers and sisters of mine are the homeless. They sleep by my doorstep, they sit by my bed.

People are they, men and women and children; and each has a heart keeping time with my own.

People are they, persons made in God's image; and what shall I offer them; bread or a stone?

Kenya & Swahili in one day!

2006-01-12T21:54:00.000-05:00

well well well..I haven't posted in a few days, basically because nothing important or very exciting has happened. Well, I guess that isn't entirely true -just a bit of drama-but anyway.
Today I met an Indian girl (or west Indian? I'm sorry if I'm not politically correct!) from Kenya! And she taught me some Swahili....a pretty humorous sight I might add. Funny because not only have I begun praying about going to Africa, but Kenya in specfic and I'm also reading a book about the asian developments in Kenya! Anyway, I know Anne is dying to see the swahili (you prob already know it anyway...)

jambo= helllo
Habari yak? = How are you
Mzuri sana= very good!
Mbaya Sana=very bad!
Sawa- Swa=Ok (not too bad)
Hakuna Matatta= No worries (from Lion King...)
Rafiki= Friend
Huyuni Lacey = This is Lacey!

And then of course, there's the Swahili song we learned at the Tanzania project party (basically a promo to find out more information about going with Campus Crusade for Christ to Tanzania this summer)

Hukuna Mungu Kama Wewe

Hukuna Mungu kama wewe (x's 3)
(There is no one, there is no one like God)

Hakuna na hata kuwepo
(There is no one, there is no one like Him)

Nimetembea kote, kote
(walk all around)

Nimetafuta kote, kote
(search all around)

Nimezunguka kote, kote
(Turn all around)

Hukana na hata kuwepo
(There is no one, there is no one like him)

Yeah, it looks pretty silly, but its absolutely insane when it is sung. I can just imgaine the Africans with their drums..Anyway if your not convinced Swahili is fun, just try saying the words out loud. Kept me laughing at myself all day. It strikes me as a very joyful language...or I'm just weird!

honestly..

2006-01-10T15:44:00.000-05:00

okay, I think I have been a bit overly optimistic about my true feelings. Still struggling. Pray, Pray, Pray!

GARMENT OF PRAISE for the SPIRIT OF HEAVINESS; that they may be called TREES OF RIGHTEOUSNESS, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified.ISAIAH 61:3

morning

2006-01-10T08:35:00.001-05:00

"The garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified." Isaiah 61:1-3

A Wanderer?

2006-01-09T21:35:00.000-05:00

wahh! What a day. An emotional roller coaster of a day! I tried sooo hard to go to bed last night early,I was in bed by 11:30!!! And did I fall asleep? OF COURSE NOT! That was a bit annoying...I really was praying for a good sleep..but I just couldn't get there till after 3am. Grr.. Today was so busy and so was yesterday..and yet I've done nothing in the way of school work...(since last week that is) I have been debating whether or not to keep sunday as a "day of rest" and found I was almost forced into submission (thats a paradox) this sunday...as It was from one thing to another so that I didn't even have a chance to put my hand to the work. Same with today..except for about a period of 2 hours where my brain was dead from being tired and sick...and now I really need to go to bed.....exhuasted and quite hungry at the same time.
Nevertheless, today was still a good day. Still working out some stuff...still not easy per se but "My heart will choose to say, Lord Blessed be Your name." God is good, and I will stand by it!So good that I got the privledge of giving away my bible today! (:
Goodnight
PS: Of course the song for today is Blessed be the Name of the Lord Also a few lines from another Heather Clark song

God let nothing stand between us here today
Cause you stepped down from heaven
And you showed me how to give myself away
So I give myself away
So I offer myself I offer my song,
Because finally I've found where I belong

Oh and there is a verse...I haven't figured out what it means to me yet...but its interesting..

"By Faith Abrahamm when he was called, obeyed by going out to a place which he was to recieve for an inheritance; and he went out, not knowing where he was going.
By faith he lived as an alien in the land of promise, as in a foriegn land, dwelling in the tents with Issac and Jacob, fellow heirs of the same promise;
for he was looking for the city which has foundations, whose architect and builder is God.
By faith even Sarah herself recieved ability to concieve, even beyond the proper time of life, since she considered Him Faithful who had promised;
therefore , also, there was born of one man, and him as good as dead at that, as many descendents as the stars of heaven in number, and inumberable as the sand which is by the seashore.
All these died in faith, without recieving the promises, but having seen them from a distance, having confessed that they were strangers and exiles on earth.
For those who say such things make it clear that they are seeking a country of their own.
And indeed if they had been thinking of that country from which they went out, they would have had opportunity to return.
But as it is, they desire a better country, that is a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God; for He has prepared a city for them."
Hebrews 11:8-16

Well, now that I've re-read that...I see some more...I think it is missionary related...because I was just reminded of this old journal entry that was expression an exasperation for having to move again and feeling like I'm constantly being uprooted and it was like, maybe its preparation? It was drawing parallels to the Jews as "wanderers" ahhhhh.......
well I still don't think that is it...anyone else have some thoughts on this one? I don't get the promise thing.
K really tired now.
Goodnight.

God is Good YET AGAIN! Suprised?

2006-01-08T23:50:00.000-05:00

God is so good! I just feel the need to continually remind myself of his goodness, and praise Him for it. God is so good. I wish I had some other way of explaining it, but man if your reading this and don't know God or you are doubting God's goodness...you have been decieved BIG time! God is SO intrested in your heart and in your life and he ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS has your best intrest at heart, come what may...though you or I may not understand...it is then we are to accept by Faith God's promises. He is good. He is faithful and He is true. I know I must begin to claim and walk in the light of Gods truth "forgetting what is behind and pushing on for what is ahead" to continually fix my eyes upon the author and perfector of our Faith, who for the joy set before me endured the cross and sat down at the right hand of God"
(I warn you these verses are a paraphrased version of the Word)

Songs on my heart today! (or parts of them) I'm pretty sure the Heather Clark song is more of a theme song for life! lol...yes im corny i know (:

Turn your eyes upon Jesus
Turn your eyes upon Jesus
Look full into his wonderful face
and the things of this world
will grow strangly dim
In the light of his glory and grace

Walk by Faith
Jeremy Camp

I will walk by faith
Even when i cannot see
because this broken road
prepares your will for me

Your Kingdom*****
Heather Clark

Your kingdom will never end
And Your promises cannot be stopped
The world will come against you
Kings may rise and fall
Sovereignty is reigning through it all

Your Presence will clothe the earth
And Your majesty reveals your worth
Though Darkness comes around me
And the enemy press in
The battle that is raging You'll win

To the king on the Throne
I know my life is not my own
Though my heart it can fall
I will trust You through it all

To the King on the throne
I know my life is not my own
Though my heart it can fall
I will trust You through it all

Yours is the Kingdom
The Power and the Glory Forever and ever Amen!

Sunday!

2006-01-08T17:08:00.000-05:00

Well, well well!!
Today was kind of cool, because I have been checking out this new Church and while I wasn't entirely sure on it, today God kind of confirmed things up for me, this will be my new home church. He totally delt with the one thing that I was kind of hung up on...I am so happy! I guess it has been kind of hard not having a home church and being in this transitionary phase from moving and just starting school and all that stuff. Its funny, but I had also begun asking God for an older lady mentor...I know that sounds weird! But I think I may just be seeing the answer to that prayer as well. This couple invited me over for lunch, it was really awesome. Praise God! lol I'm so corny, but can't think of any other word for it. I'd rant more but i have no time, night church starts in 45minutes and I just got home from their house not too long ago. But they're missionaries in north africa! (with orphans as part of their focus)AFRICA! lol, oh dear I've been hanging around Anne , haven't I? You can tell!

Campus & QQ's!

2006-01-07T02:28:00.000-05:00

Well, tonight was some good Christian fun! LOL! FIRST I took Anne CAPTIVE (jk) to our Campus Crusade meeting, and it was soo worth it! We had tonnns of fun! Of course I think the REAL fun began afterward at QQ's (this cute little bubble tea shop! well...it looks shifty, but its fun!) so all the campus people went and I'd say there were about 80 of us! So it began as a fun disney sing along..yes to my favourite..Aladdin (and was I pretending to be Jasmine the whole time? OF COURSE! along with 15 other girls.....) ANYWAY, our little disney sing along turned into some hardcore worship. One of my friends whipped out her guitar and about 30 of us, all crammed onto couches just began to praise God. In a completly PUBLIC space!
People going in and out, a few interesting stares, and of course i'm pretty sure the owners thought in turning up the music louder we'd take the hint and shut up. But did we? Of course not. For 2 hours solid we just sang and praised...it was sooo good! I was thinking, man this is insane! Where else in the world could we get away with something like that? Certainly not in China! I suppose the owners coulnd't say much, seeing as we bring a lot of buisness to the place. But what a cool opportunity.
Then Anne and I had to catch the bus...intersting little fiasco....turned out we coulnd't catch one until 12am, and did I think to call home? NOPE! T-R-O-U-B-L-E! oh well..so the family was abit upset to the say the least...a few members perhaps praying for our safe return..which of corse DID happen. So I guess you could say their prayers were answered. YEs I am in a bit of a giddy mood...this is due to making Mrs. Feilds Chocolate Chip cookies at 2am! INSANITY!
Alright, a few thoughts from the meeting before I head off to bed....

"Has God definetly told you NOT to go somewhere? If He hasn't, then you'd better start praying WHERE to go-for again you're already called! (mathew 28)

INTERESTING!

Song for today....HISTORY MAKER! By Delirious

Is it true today
that when people pray
cloudless skies will break
Kings and Queens will shake
Yes its true
And I believe it
I'm living for you

I'm going to be a History Maker in this world
I'm going to be a speaker of Truth to all mankind
I'm going to stand, I'm going to run into your arms again

Is it true today
that when people stand
with the fire of God and the Truth at hand
we'll see dead men rise
We'll see the blind set free
Yes its true
And I belive it
I'm living for You

Verse for today

"Devote yourselves to PRAYER being watchful and thankful. Praying for us at the same time as well, that God may open up to us a door for the word, so that we may speak forth the mystery of Christ, for which I am in chains. Conduct yourselves with wisdom toward outsiders, making the most of every opportunity. Let your speech always be with grace, seasoned as it werem with salt, so that you may know how to respond to each person." Colossians 4:2 (esp the prayer part..)

An extremely long God rant

2006-01-03T09:56:00.000-05:00

Well....this morning was soo good! I didn't plan on comming to school in the morning,because all I had was poli sci tuutorial, and we were just getting our essays back. But then at like 1am i discovered an e-mail saying the Mac Cru were going to meet at the flagpole to jump start the semester on the foundation of prayer. Man I love them all! If you EVER think you can walk the Christian walk by yourself, you are sadly mistaken, and will be greatly robbed of the joy and ecouragment fellowship with your Brothers and Sisters in Christ brings. I know I like to hermit sometimes...but its funny how easily I forget how important fellowship is. I am finding that God seems to be "refreshing" my spirit. All last semester the theme of resting in God kept comming up, but I didn't really see where God was going with that. But it seems I might just be starting to get it...like prayer the other night compltely refreshed my soul, as did reading the Word. I almost want to slap myself over the head for so easily forgetting God's goodness. I have truely been decieved of the true nature of God...one who came to seek and save the lost...one who has been pursuing you and me before he laid the foundations of the earth. God is immeasurably good in ALL things, "all things work together for the good of those who have been called according to His purpose", "he opens his hand to satisfy every living thing." Its weird to think that so often I can look at prayer or bible reading or other discplines as some kind of burden, but the Father's heart is always to give us something better than what we now have. "He came to bring life, and life more abundantly, but the enemy comes to kill, steal, and destroy." So little do I trust! Sometimes I wonder, what would my life look like FULLY commited to Him? Obviously I try....but I mean every SINGLE thing SEPERATED unto God. That would be INSANE. I was reading about Brother Yun, and how much he longed just to have a bible! The lengths he went to get one, risking his life, and then memorizing a chapter of scripture a day at 16 years old. It really made me hate my own apathy...and just how the Western world seems to have become so spiritually lax, while the east is flourishing amidst persecution. Maybe that is why I always dreamed of going overseas. It seems the Hunger for God is so much more intense, God is so active and people are healed. I love reading about China and the closed countries and how these crazy men and women of the faith are living for God and seeing his kingdom come. Yet, as I'm to tempted to dream all of these dreams inside this tiny little head of mine, I'm reminded of something God spoke to me last year, while I was dreaming of Africa..."if you can't do it right here, what makes you think you can do it out there?" I Guess I keep comming back to that. Have I really been faithful in following God whole-heartedly here? Why does it seem so much easier to follow God with abandon overseas than in my own backyard? Though I know, that is what God seeks. Worshipers who will worship Him in spirit and in truth, right here, right now, every day, step by step and day by day. God wants to bring that HERE. But we're so complacent...we think we have all we need because we live in a democracy, because we can own two cars and feed our own children. Because were not like Africa or East Asia. But what we don't see...is that in our pride in thinking ourselves morally, commerically, politically superioir...we have been robbed. While they may appear to have "nothing" they have everything. They know what matters. And while we think we have everything, we have so little. It is so true, God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise. We are prideful in that we think we can do things ourselves...keep God out of the schools...tranform christmas to just another "holiday", Give God one sunday a month plus easter and christmas and we can feel pretty good about ourselves. What a crock. Christianity/ God wasn't meant to make you feel like a "good" person. The message of the cross is repentance and holiness...its about being sanctifed and set apart to God and for God. The Holy Spirit brings conviction of Sin, and it is HIS kindness that leads us to repentance. I guess its about time I start asking God for the day when we will travel to the east and tell them the Wonders God has done among us. I do not deny God is moving mightily in the West....but there's so much more. If we would "humble ourselves and pray, God would come and forgive us and heal our Land." I guess its fitting in light of the comming elections "Oh Lord I ask For the Nations!" THIS Nation. I am undeniably guilty of apathy. Thank goodness for God's grace. God is GOOD!
I've been comming to the conclusion ...well more a claiming of the truth in Gods word...that He has provided me with everything I need to live a godly life. Sometimes I like to think there are secret back doors to intimacy with God..but there isn't. Everything always goes back to the basics, to the root. Prayer + bible+ fellowship.
Anyway, back to this morning's prayer event! So we all gathered about 25 of us at 7am around the flagpole and it was such a gift to be so encouarged by the love of God in the hearts of these students. They astound me. I love it. Anyway, we prayed for a bit and then seperated into groups to go pray around Campus. The group I ended up in decided we would march around the largest on campus residence 7 times, just as the Isrealites marched around Jericho before the walls came crashing down. I am aware of how incredibly insane this sounds...but it was so cool. The symbolism of course....its neat to add a physical compent to prayer, because it makes you realize that while prayer is spiritual, it does have both spiritual and physical reults. Yes, we did shout after completing the seventh march...Just as the Isrealites blew their trumpets.
So cool!

Songs on my heart!

You Said
Ask and you will recieve
whatever you need
You Said
Lift up your eyes
the harvest is here, the Kingdom is Near
You Said

Ask and I'll give the nations to you
Oh Lord, thats the Cry of my heart
Distant shores and the Islands will see your light
As it rises on us

Dreamer of Your Dreams
when we turn our hearts to heaven
and bow down
we'll see fathers and their children reconciled
we'll be the dreamers of your dreams
we'll be the dreamers of your dreams

When your fire falls from heaven
We'll return to you again
we will tell it to our children
All the wonders you have done
And every generation
Will sing of your great love

You Must Increase

I lift you high and
bow down low
how high can you be
how low can I go?

You must increase
I must decrease Lord
I'll bow down and you will be adored!

God is Good (old post that never got published)

2006-01-02T18:32:00.002-05:00

Man, I just need to Praise God right now. His faithfulness never ceases. He is SOO Good! I love how God cotinues to teach me how He IS Faithful. Its his nature. When I fail....he does not. When I forsake, he forgives. When I hide, he pursues me. Thank You God! I've realized something...I have been baring the brunt of condemnation. Suprisingly, I think most of it comes from myself. In various ways others contribute, but I know the "battle is not against flesh and blood"and I know some of my thoughts may not be my own. I was reading in Zechariah where God Rebukes Satan and Joshua is clothed in Robes of righteousness and I was reminded of how the Accusor constantly tries to acuse us before God. But the bible says "there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus". I try to remind myself of that, but it really seemed to have brought me a lot of Freedom. Lately I'd been so incredibly frustrated with my own spiritual apathy, and really allowing myself to get beat up over it and I guess a host of other crafty lies. I defintely felt stuck...and like I was never going to get anywhere. Finally bri and I prayed together one night, and the guilt/burden was lifted. Yay! Yet again, fighting the good fight thank you Lord! (:
A lot of songs have been on my heart lately too...weird but I guess I really do worship God in song, or rather He speaks to me though them!

Lord you are good and your mercy endureth forever

You Said
lift up your eyes
the Harvest is here
the Kingdom Is Near
...Oh Lord I ask for the Nations

How lovely is thy dwelling place,
O Lord of hosts!
My soul longs,
yea, faints for the courts of the Lord;
my heart and flesh sing for joy to the living God
Even the sparrow finds a home,
and the swallow a nest for herself,
where she may lay her young, at thy altars,
O Lord of hosts, my king and my God.
Blessed are those who dwell in thy house, ever singing thy praise!
Blessed are the men whose strength is in thee,
in whose heart are the highways to Zion.
As they go through the valley of Baca
they make it a place of springs;
the early rain also covers it with pools.
They go from strength to strength;
the God of gods will be seen in Zion.
O Lord God of hosts, hear my prayer;
give ear, O God of Jacob!
As they go through the valley of Baca
they make it a place of springs;
the early rain also covers it with pools.
Behold our shield, O God;
look upon the face of thine anointed!
For a day in thy courts is better than a thousand elsewhere.
I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of wickedness.
For the Lord God is a sun and shield;
he bestows favor and honor.
No good thing does the Lord withhold from those who walk uprightly.
O Lord of hosts, blessed is the man who trusts in thee!

I am in LOVE with this Psalm! I've always loved it. But yah, its so adequate for me right now. Straight to the heart. Yes, God's word is Living, my life is Living proof.

God is Good

2006-01-02T18:32:00.001-05:00

Oswald Does it again!

2005-12-14T00:21:00.000-05:00

Well, for any of you who don't know, I'm pretty much in love with Oswald Chambers, and lately I've really started to think about Intercession again. I remmember right before this school year started that was a HUGE theme...I did this crazy study on Sodom and Gommorah and then Ezekial 36 & Then Isaiah 6, and it was like God will not destroy the righteous along with the wicked. He sends us to stand in the gap...and I guess reading Micah and all, this theme is comming back. Anyhow, this is today's oswald chambers, the insight on intercession is pretty crazy. Defintely strikes a cord with me...

December 13
Intercessory Prayer
. . . men always ought to pray and not lose heart —Luke 18:1
You cannot truly intercede through prayer if you do not believe in the reality of redemption. Instead, you will simply be turning intercession into useless sympathy for others, which will serve only to increase the contentment they have for remaining out of touch with God. True intercession involves bringing the person, or the circumstance that seems to be crashing in on you, before God, until you are changed by His attitude toward that person or circumstance. Intercession means to "fill up . . . [with] what is lacking in the afflictions of Christ" ( Colossians 1:24 ), and this is precisely why there are so few intercessors. People describe intercession by saying, "It is putting yourself in someone else’s place." That is not true! Intercession is putting yourself in God’s place; it is having His mind and His perspective.
As an intercessor, be careful not to seek too much information from God regarding the situation you are praying about, because you may be overwhelmed. If you know too much, more than God has ordained for you to know, you can’t pray; the circumstances of the people become so overpowering that you are no longer able to get to the underlying truth.
Our work is to be in such close contact with God that we may have His mind about everything, but we shirk that responsibility by substituting doing for interceding. And yet intercession is the only thing that has no drawbacks, because it keeps our relationship completely open with God.
What we must avoid in intercession is praying for someone to be simply "patched up." We must pray that person completely through into contact with the very life of God. Think of the number of people God has brought across our path, only to see us drop them! When we pray on the basis of redemption, God creates something He can create in no other way than through intercessory prayer.

Gods Gifts are His....A startling revelation!

2005-12-11T22:47:00.000-05:00

Well, I've started reading John Pipers "A Hunger for God" again, and he makes an interesting point that really hit home for me.

"The greatest adversary to God is not his enemies but his GIFTS."

Yes, God gives good gifts, but it is a mistake to belive that those gifts are given to us for us. That is a mistake I made. If God has given me something, then it is completely about Him and not about me. Conversely, If I am holding onto something that God has not given, then it is not about Him, it is about me. Both come to the same conclusion: IF it was given by God, it is to be used for God. God's gifts are given to us by God and for God, and he can withdraw them whenever he pleases. This also means he can use these gifts however he wants, whether to teach or test or discpline us, its all up to Him. And since he is the Giver of "every good and perfect gift" we really have little say in the matter. Now thats a RADICAL thought! Recieving a gift that isn't about you! What a foriegn concept, especially in light of the Christmas Season, which has so deeply materialized the meaning of recieving gifts. Another intresting point I read somewhere is that since gifts are given, we do not choose them...although this doesn't apply in the context I am thinking, it pretty much applies everywhere else. So in the context of gifts that are talents or spiritual gifts...to despise them is to insult the Gift Giver! Okay, so now I am getting just a LITTLE bit corny. But I'm sure you get my drift!

"Christian fasting is not only the spontaneous effect of a superior satisfaction in God; it is also a chosen weapon against every force in the world that would take satisfaction away

Some other quotes that have nothing to do with this train of thought, but are cool:

Fasting is not a forfeit of evil, but a forfeit of good

"The issue (with regards to fasting) is anything and everything that is, or can be a substitue for God."
Fasting is a test to see what desires control us
We ease our discomfort by eating, which is why fasting exposes us all

One of the reasons for fasting is to know whats in us

Micah!

2005-12-11T16:18:00.000-05:00

Look! The LORD is coming from his dwelling place;he comes down and treads the high places of the earth.The mountains melt beneath him and the valleys split apart,like wax before the fire,like water rushing down a slope. All this is because of Jacob's transgression, because of the sins of the house of Israel. "
Micah 1:3-5

"but as for me, I am filled with power, with the Spirit of the Lord, to delcare to Jacob his transgression, to Isreal his sin" 3:8

"...because of your sin...you will eat but not be satisfied " 6:14

With what shall I come before the LORD and bow down before the exalted God? Shall I come before him with burnt offerings,with calves a year old?
Will the LORD be pleased with thousands of rams,with ten thousand rivers of oil? Shall I offer my firstborn for my transgression,the fruit of my body for the sin of my soul?
He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." Micah 6:6-8

"But as for me, I watch in hope for the Lord, I will wait for God my savior; my God will hear me." 7:7

Who is a God like you,who pardons sin and forgives the transgression of the remnant of his inheritance? You do not stay angry forever but delight to show mercy. Micah 7:18

Being a light...

2005-12-11T15:20:00.000-05:00

if you want to be a light in dark places, you have to comprimise your comfort.

emotions!

2005-12-09T22:52:00.000-05:00

wow, as dumb as this may sound....I just realized how completely emotionally driven I am! like woah....this is NOT good! I've been thinking a lot about why i procrastinate so much, and the standard excuse of course is...."oh well I don't feel like it." I don't "feel" like doing my homework right now, I don't "feel" like calling right now, I don't "feel" like reading my bible right now, I don't "feel" like worshiping God right now" or conversely....I did this or that because I "felt" like it! This is so dumb...I'm so whimsy, James 1:6...I remmeber I was reading a book by elizibeth elliot and one thing that really stood out to me was this, that she had commited to have Christ's Lordship over her emotions. Inspired of course I immediately prayed about it, because I guess I recognized being female....emotions can be pretty overwhelming. I'd also been praying about being more discplined...didnt realize until now the two go hand in hand really....because discpline does something because there's commitment...emotionalness is unstable!the wise man built his hosue upon the rock, but the foolish man built his house upon the sand. Fun lesson!

By Faith or by Sight?

2005-09-05T18:52:00.001-04:00

Am I living a life by faith, or by sight? I've just been reading the faith chapter in Hebrews (11) "now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." And I'm defintely tempted to ask, which category do I fall into, espcially with the whole trying to figure out my future thing. What would my life look like, if I lived wholly and completely by faith?! That would mean absolute trust in God and in the promises of His word. That means trusting, believing and walking in the truth. I think thats what I need to get back to. More faith and more trust in Him. I keep grasping for things to hold onto...There's two other verses on faith I keep hitting a lot "now faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the word of God" (Romans 10:17) & "the righteous will live by faith" . I want that abundant life Jesus spoke of, but its attained by faith.

2005-08-17T23:03:00.000-04:00

Here we go again. I can sense the spirit nudging me once more. And every time he does I doubt. Oh how I doubt so much and trust so little! God is so merciful to speak to me again and again, for my ears lack to hear the things he speaks. I’m always so tempted to say (and do say) that God is not speaking loud enough, that I cannot decipher or discern what his ways are. But I think this is God teaching me to trust Him. Because I know I do it so little! Doubt and fear are most certainly not from God, but I always buy into them! Doubt is my archenemy. I feel the spirit nudge, and then rationalize away. And then as I push aside what God has pressed on me, I blame him for not giving me a “sign” or instructing in a way that I can understand. In the end I guess it boils down to security. Always wanting to trust myself, yet at the same time knowing how much I’ve lost doing that. Consistently, (as you may have noticed in past posts) circumstances have come up where I expect things to turn out a certain way, and then they do not. (I know most of you will say, that’s just how life goes, as I have said many times) But I know God keeps taking things from me to show me who is in control.
I’ve come to the annoying conclusion (more of an admission than revelation I suppose) that God speaks to me JUST enough for me to hear. It’s not always BAM (as my stubborn and child like ways so constantly demand) but like with Elijah…when God said he was going to pass him by, it wasn’t in the thunder, or the earthquake or the fire, it was in a whisper. A WHISPER! You know how frustrating that is. God spoke to his prophet not with lighting bolts but a TINY whisper! ARG! BRUTAL. I know, some of my friends who may end up reading this are probably thinking DUH Lacey, that’s what we’ve been telling you all along. Oh, I know, and I hate it. Because my flesh hates the absence of something solid and concrete. I always want to KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that whatever I’m doing is the right thing. Interesting, I keep coming across verses about faith. One that keeps running through my mind “the righteous will live by faith”…and then it goes on to say “he redeemed us in order that the blessing given to Abraham might come to the Gentiles through Christ so that by FAITH we might receive the promise of the spirit” ...so anyway im really tired and don't feel like finishing this rant, but the end point of it is, I really think God was trying to give me an opportunity to take that step of faith that i've been talking about. Mostly beacuse of fear abd doubt! tada! And God keeps telling me to trust Him, and argggg...anyway I'm sure I'll continue on this later...

follow up...

2005-08-17T22:09:00.000-04:00

yah so that last peice of craziness was the result of a few days of intense prayer (and of being prayed for by other people) specifically about going to university or not, and also just about Gods call on my life. What came out of it was really intense...as you can see. I realized that God has called me to be a missionary (though I dont really know where or in what sense) I have defintely known it all along. Second, God has showed me that I am a people pleaser, and that if I am to honour him, I cannot be a people pleaser. Friendship with the world is hatred to God &" a slave cannot have two masters." as it is said (and please, nobody take that in the wrong context!) I dont know, these are crazy lessons to be learning. They're dangerous thats for sure! So the outcome of hearing these things? I mean I've said it myself, if we want God to speak, but aren't prepared to act, on what we hear, what was the sense in asking him to do so in the first place?
Well...I'd like to say I dont know what my step of action is. But I do. And let me tell you, it scares me! It's certainly a step in the direction of my previous post...a wild way, that will probbably brand me a fool. But what can I say? Can I comprimse pleasing men for pleasing God? I can't. I know I can't. ARGHHHH!

here we go again

2005-08-10T15:42:00.001-04:00

well, I feel the need to update being that its been a while and for whatever reason I kind of wanted to just get some of these thoughts orginzed wtih bible verses behind them. The past little while has been quite interesting. Its pretty obvious by now one of the things thats at the fore-front of my life is the whole decsion to go to university (or not go). I actually dont really know what to say about the matter right now, the best thing I can do is submit it-really submit it to God in prayer and trust that He will give me the wisdom..or perhaps already has! Who knows.
But anyway, the main things God seems to be teaching/speaking to me are trust, patience/waiting, obedience and now I definetly think the cost of following christ and refinement/ suffering are emerging as strong themes. A few days ago I was just telling God my heart, and basically the sum of it all was that I dont want to become a mediocre, laodacian type of Christian. I dont want to miss anything God has for me, I want it all-in good times or bad. I've actually (insanely) come to the conclusion that i'd rather be refined and suffer for the sake of Christ or whatever may come, (providing he will carry me through it of course..cuz I know I couldn't handle it) then fall into the hands of this world. By that I mean becoming a "go with the flow, comprimise following hardcore after God in exchange for the status quo." I've come to think that perhaps the reason why I fought university so much in the begining was because thats what it represents to me. It seems the only reason I gave up fighting against it was because I didnt eaxctly know or understand what I was fighting for. Its not like God has specifically called me somewhere else, (or as far as I can discern..which isnt far) but at the same time, I don't really know if he ever said Go to Mac either. And if thats the case, then yes its true..why am I going? Truth hurts. A few verses I've come across over the past few days kind of make me wonder just a bit...as I was just praying the other day & I think I may have heard a few things...

who do you live to please, man or God?!
It will cost you everything....

another intersting thing...I keep reading/ remembering this verse in haggi that says

"You expected much, but see, it turned out to be little. What you brought home, I blew away. Why?" declares the LORD Almighty. "Because of my house, which remains a ruin, while each of you is busy with his own house. 10 Therefore, because of you the heavens have withheld their dew and the earth its crops."

It just kind of goes hand in hand with desiring to see God move..I dont want whatever I do (or don't do) to cause God to withold his blessing. (and in comes the whole theme of obedeience again)

Which kind of ties into something I ran into in an old journal of mine. i had written the lyrics to a song

as I was praying for God to come and move and do all that he has determined to do, I remembered this worship song that goes like this:

Give us clean hands

give us a pure heart

Let us not lift our souls to another

Oh God let us be a Generation that seeks
that seeks your face oh god of Jacob

New Job...New City...goodbye Milton? S:

2005-07-19T23:43:00.000-04:00

Alright, It's official. I no longer live in Milton. (Ouch my heart...its hurts)I've been in denial. Still trying to hold onto good ol Milton for as long as I can. But I guess it's time to face reality...S: And reality is...I got a freaking Job (maybe two) which means I'm offically tied to the place. I was hoping to put that off for as long as possible. Sad but true...I actually have to start building a life here...arg.
Hopefully this whole learning to drive thing works out for me...it would help. I guess I'm just a little annoyed. Between family, might as well be family, and friends I'm scattered across four different cities! argggg. Having a job just makes it harder too...cuz now I have a scheduale to work around. blahhh.
But, thats life right? It was the funniest thing, trying to fill out my avialability at my job....trying to figure out how to keep a window open to visit city to city...definitely have to leave that one up to God. arggg...why oh why does life have work in seasons...I know living in Milton was an emense time of growth, awesome opportunity, and friendship. But now its over....ahhh! Of course I'm not going to cut off ties or anything, but man do I already miss the old days. Even grade nine, which was like ...hell..for the first four months atleast..and all the times we walked though town praying... I think Rebekah was right...after actually praying for the city, God totally gave me heart for it. It's weird cuz, I noticed what/ who I pray for is somewhat dependent on my sorroundings. When I'm in Milton I'm much more likely to be praying for Milton friends...than I would have been to pray for my family or something. I think I've determined this is because its easier that way. When you pray for stuff around you, you actually see God transforming people and answering prayers. When you start praying for stuff you can't really "monitor" per se...then it takes a heck of a lot more patience/ faith. Probbably part of the reason why I always found prayer a little bit more fustrating..go figure it's cuz it involves patience. And because I'm such a "do-master" I'd rather do something physically than pray. (well thats changing..but its still somewhat of a love-hate relationship) Beacuse "doing" satisfies the physical element..you have the satisfcation of knowing that something "got done", something was accomplished...and better yet, pride can swoop in and say, "hey look, I did that!" It's another one of those ways my "flesh" likes to take over... it's no wonder Paul said "so we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." I guess that just leads into how God doesn't measure things the way we humans like to (his thoughts are higher than our thoughts, his ways higher than ours..who can percieve them?) If you think about it...we measure everything . We measure success by the acmomplishments made or money earned. A man or woman is measured based on talent, intelligeince, or beauty. Its like humanity's poision...and evidence of it shows up every now and then. I can still see traces of it even in praying...I want to know immediately what "my" prayers accopmplished..but thats the thing about prayer..its not really about "me"...and much less what "I" did..it's totally 100% God. But its defintely cool to be able to give God glory for answered prayers. I also don't neccsarily think prayer is always about getting answers....but building character...and knowing God's character...not necessarily the end result but the process? (I'm not sure if thats quite it, but..whatever) All that to say, things are not always what they seem. That verse that says God chose the foolish things of the world that he might put to shame those who are wise. God chose the weak things of the world, that he might put to shame the things that are strong;everythings always backwards...ahh thats enough rambling for one night!

GOD IS GOOD!

2005-06-23T21:09:00.000-04:00

Wow, I totally feel the need just to give God the praise and glory for everything!! I can't even express the things he is changing in my heart, it is beyond words! God is doing a mighty work in me. For the first time EVER I could praise God in the words of David and say "Praise you God for I am fearfully and wonderfully made!" Pslam 139. Comming from me....or anyone who has ever thought how I thought about myself...thats one HECK of a miracle! Although it may sound self-righteous or prideful, I am learning to not accept the lies of the enemey. Cuz you know what I've finally come to understand? When I walk in who I am in Christ, who was I originally made to be- apart from my sinful nature, (that is the new creation, the new heart that I have been given because of Christ-
2 corinthians 5: 17 "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" & Ezekial 11:19 "I will give them an undivided heart and put a new spirit in them; I will remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh.") When I actually begin to take God at his word, and claim these promises, when I walk in this newness of life, I am DANGEROUS! That's right. All this time. Accepting all these lies, and what for? So Satan could squash me beneath his feet and rule me in effective for God? I SAY NO! Ha..I love how I am getting even more pyschotic than before. But it's true. God is teaching me so much! And far be it from me if I do not proclaim what God has done. He deserves glory. That's how the nations new that he was God. In Exodus 16:12 it says, " Tell them, 'At twilight you will eat meat, and in the morning you will be filled with bread. Then you will know that I am the LORD your God."

I am begining to actually believe these things. Not just be like, Oh its nice God loves me, but truely I dont really think God could love someone like me. Or, sure God can use me, but truely I don't think God would want to use someone like me.
NO WAY. I don't understand why I believed them, both knowingly and willingly for so long? Myabe its because I hadn't died to self yet? The bible literally says "For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God".

I dont know. God is doing something in me that I can't explain. For one, I believe he is restoring my Joy. And rasing me up to be who I am because of Christ...i know apart from Him I can do nothing, but through Him I can do all things. Thats pretty powerful.

ooops....its 10pm, haven't started studying for world issues exam tommorrow morning! Maybe God will have mercy and deliver this one into my hands as he did the others? We'll see.....

Acts..my new love!

2005-06-22T07:04:00.000-04:00

Alright, so I'd be lying if I said I've been faithful in reading my bible everyday. But, I see that it is due to spiritual laxity, and dicspline is what I do infact need. (thanks for the conviction!) I've realized I have exchanged meat for milk in justifying my actions (or lack of) by believing displine equals legalism! Not so. I guess now that I've been convicted of this, I can't very well continue on in the same pattern! This means some things need to change! hooray! But I've decided to read Acts. So here are some random things that hit me...

"It is not for you to know the times or epochs which the Father has fixed with his authority." Acts 1. 7

basically, can't always know when or how things are going to happen..trust God. YAY!

"These all with one mind were continually devoting themselves to prayer.." 1:14

"and they were continually devoting themselves to the apostles teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer." Acts 2:42

and all those who had believed were together, and had all things in common; and they begun selling their property and posssesions, and were sharing them with all, as anyone might have need. And day by day continuing with one mind in the temple, and breaking bread, and from house to house, they were taking their meals together with gladness and sincerity of heart." acts 2:42-26

What really strikes me about the people in acts is how unified they were. Does this sound ANYTHING like the church today?! sadly..Not really. And these Christians made up the early church. They didn't have some stupid 5 step program for sundays only...none of this 5 minutes of prayer, 10 of preaching and close with 3 songs stuff. They shared everything, prayed continually, acted as a community instead of clique to their own.
with "one mind". They had unity. AND oh look...they prayed continually! prayer is so key. Yes I'm a huge hypocrite. But I am becoming increasingly aware of the lack of prayer in churches today. There's like half-an hour of worship in song, but where's the prayer? What would happen if the church prayed just as much as it sang? Probbably a lot!
Considering when they prayed the spirit fell, people were healed, and thousands got saved.

"And God raised him up again, putting an end to the agony of death, since it was IMPOSSIBLE for Him to be held in its power!" 2:21

death holds no power on my saviour! jesus rose from the grave and is alive. he defeated death..now tell me, who ELSE has EVER made such a claim? Isn't it cool to see the power of God in this?!

"Men of Isreal, why do you marvel at this, or why do you gaze at us, as if by our own power or piety we had made him walk? The God of Abraham, Issac and Jacob, the God of our fathers, has glorified His servant Jesus.." Acts 3: 13
I love how Peter doesn't take the glory for himself. he's like NO, Jesus is glorfied in this. I wonder...if every time someone tried to give me praise for something God has done....and I said that...lol...what would happen? Probbably simialr, to the new testament response, i.e be accused of having drank "too much wine" or of otherwise being crazy.

"And on the basis of faith in his name, it is the name of Jesus whicch has strengthened this man whom you see and know; and the faith which comes through Him has given him perfect health in the presence of you all." Acts 3: 15

"Then Peter, filled with the holy spirit, said to them "Rulers and elders of the people, if we are on trial today for a benifit done to a sick man, as to how this man became well, let it be known to all of you, and to all of the people of Isreal, that by the name of Jesus Christ the Nazarene, whom you crucified. whom God raised from the dead-by THIS name this man stands here before you in good health." ( Acts 4:8)

wow! Peter is nuts. They want to imprison him, maybe even kill him if they could find it in the law to do so...yet he still speaks with such boldness. It's especially powerful beacuse a few books before he's denying Jesus. And then here he is boldly proclaiming the gospel. What a guy.

"Now as they observed the confidence of Peter and John, and understood that they were uneducated, untrained ,men, they were marveling, and began to recognize them as having been with Jesus." Acts 4:14
woah...thats so cool! People KNEW just by seeing them they had spent time with Jesus. I want to be like that!

"For we cannot stop speaking what we have seen and heard!" Acts:4 20

this is sweet...cuz I'd been reading a devo, and it was saying how arguing with people about God is pretty much futile. But that were supposed to go and tell what God has done.

Yah, way too long. haven't studied for my exam thats at 12pm! Better get going on that!

Not bible College...now what?!

2005-06-08T17:36:00.000-04:00

argg...I hate how I analyze everything to a T. I'm going to drive myself crazy this way. Its probbaly why I stink at making decsions so much. I should probbably start praying against doubt I guess.
It's weird...I really thought God was leading me to bible college, and now its clear he's not. It's like that burden has been lifted...it was the testing of my will...beacuse I was being so stubborn. I literally told God I wasn't going to go to Bible College. BADDD Idea!! He is God in heaven and I am here on earth, so I'm supposed to let my words be FEW! ooops. Big suprise there...I talk way too much. So the question remains, if not bible college, then what?! Is there something I know that I'm just not willing to submit to? I was pretty sure God had lead me through the surrendering of my will thing, but now what?errrrr

random

2005-05-27T22:27:00.000-04:00

oh man, I am so bored and antzy and...I don't even know what all at the same time.
I'll acount for my strange mixture of emotions due to teenage hormones...but anyway.
I've been checkin out some of Jason Upton's stuff on the web, its crazy. Really powerful. A bit odd, a lot different then tradional worship, but being that I'm a bit odd myself, I like it.
I have to say I really just want so much more! I so wanna see God move in unfathomable ways. And then I feel that nudge telling me to get on my knees and really ask for it. arg. I've also been realizng how small my faith is...like man..God says go to bible colllege, and I'm like but God..what about money, what about "proper" education?, oh yes ...and what about my hideous pride? Arg.
Obviously its good to question things, as clearly I sometimes do a little too much of..but there comes a point where God asks you to walk by faith, and its like your suddenly suprised. What? I actually have to step out in faith? Man, this isn't a step, its a leap! Or it least it feels like it. Now that I've finally stopped being so stubborn about it, I'm actually excited to see what God has for me there. Realizing how long it took me to give into God on this makes me realize how much more I need to rest in the things that he's promised me.

never will I leave you, never will I forsake you

for I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans for a future and a hope

delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart

Not even a sparrow, worth only half a penny, can fall to the ground without your Father knowing it. And the very hairs on your head are all numbered. So don't be afraid; you are more valuable to him than a whole flock of sparrows.

Yup, so the conclusion is I'm gonna have one crazy life! And I'll probbaly always look like a complete and utter pyscho to most people... But hey, "the cross of christ is foolishness to those who are perishing but to us who are being saved it is the gift of God!"
a fool for Christ....

warning, this is really weird...

2005-05-26T01:09:00.000-04:00

Okay, so I'll admit this is a bit strange for even me, but whatever. Random thoughts 101:

I see you in your grave clothes
how you long to be dead
you go about mourning
day and night in vain
asking, who will hear your cry?
who will see your broken soul and not torment it?
Who will see the scars?
Can anything heal them?
Is there no hope you ask?
But I wonder, will you hear the answer?
Will you hear the voice that whispers day and night
Where you find no rest
Don't you know its him that whispers,
"choose life!"

"Today I have given you the choice between life and death, between blessings and curses. I call on heaven and earth to witness the choice you make. Oh, that you would choose life, that you ...might live! Choose to love the Lord your God and to obey him and commit yourself to him, for he is your life."
~Deuteronomy 30:19

no such thing as evil...WHAT?!

2005-05-22T16:34:00.000-04:00

So I'm on my way out of the school early Friday afternoon, and I run into the art teacher. The next thing I know it we're talking about philosophy and he claims, or believes I guess you'd say, that there is no such thing as evil. WHAT! lol..thats what I wanted to scream..but Instead, I actually held back..jussst a little! Instead, all people are by nature selfish, and I suppose this type of selfishness is not considered evil. But then again, I guess that souldn't be suprsing, since most people think they are good people to begin with, but cannot deny selfishness (just as I can't) and so in this strange circle of thoughts, it would make sense from a secualr point of view, to say that selfishness is not a manifestation of evil. (This is the point where you stop reading if you don't want to be offended. Most people who know me can probbably already anticipate my next line....) Yes, if we are not by nature perfect, than obviously we are quite the opposite.....uh-oh...I can just imagine the sort of people that would cringe at such a thought. I wonder, is calling selfishness evil a bit too strong? Perhaps. But perhaps not. People would probbaly be less offended if I said selfishness is "not nice", rather than plain evil. But after all, isn't it selfish ambition that lead to all kinds of wicked and depraved things? Then again, there is the whole Idea of there being degrees of wickedness, that is something I wouldn't mind looking into. But anyway, back to the art teachers theory of non-evil. So according to him, evil doesn't exist, but selfishness does. I asked him what he would call a child molester, and he said that It's just another form of selfishness. I found that pretty interesting. But I'm still pretty boggled that people can totally and absolutely think evil doesn't exist. It seems so contrary. But anyway. Thoughts anyone? Anne you know you want to!

long weekend fluke..

2005-05-22T16:21:00.000-04:00

Well here I am on the long weekend freakin BORED out of my mind! ARG! how I wish i decided to go to Pitch instead. HA! I thought I'd get caught up on homework...and...oh look it's sunday night and I STILL haven't done anything. I've pretty much been babbysittiing all weekend, which equals being couped up in the house for like 72hours! The brief break I got was really just to go find my step-brother who had wondered off outside somewhere. I found him with some kids, who were clearly looking for trouble, swearing their mouths off at every passing car. guess things don't change do they? the one kid wanted me to cut his hair beacuse he singed it burning fire. HA! Yah right! The other one, went on to tell me how he likes to burn/carve things into his body ): at 12 years old! What the heck?! Anyway, you can tell I'm bored when I start talking about 12-year-olds!

sleepless!

2005-05-18T23:09:00.000-04:00

well, its almost 2 am and I can't freaking sleep! Thanks Heather! lol. Boo, I have to get up early (well atleast I was going to try) since I have a unit test I haven't studied for 2nd period. Yuck!): Well now that I've done my little bit of whining, I will try to sleep again.
yes, this is all incredibly random and insane!

2005-05-17T23:33:00.000-04:00

well, its been yet another crazy night/ day of prayer. It's incredible how fast the time is starting to fly!Man, these are the times when I wish curfew was later. But there certainly is something extremely encouraging about praying together for the community and friends and eachother. I think it's exactly the type of thing the enemy would want us to avoid. Already I see seeds of doubt comming in that need to be prayed against. So I don't neccesarily "feel" God right now. But since when is my relationship with Him governemed by emotion? Maybe thats what theis whole "season" is all about. Learning to lean on God instead of emotions. I've also realized how much music plays a role in my spiritual life. I so use it to distract myself, instead of actually doing something fruitful. Arg. That sux. Everytime I turn on a worship CD, It's like am I just doing this to avoid talking to God? Why would I want to avoid prayer in the first place? Oh the circles I find my mind traces itself in. It's crazy. I totally want to be moved, changed, ignited. I guess this could also have something to do with the whole patience thing. A while ago this verse in the old testament really hit me. It said "Oh, that one of you would shut the temple doors, so that you would not light useless fires on my altar! I am not pleased with you," says the LORD Almighty, "and I will accept no offering from your hands. (Malichi 1:10) I suppose this has something to do with the whole, let your words be few thing, since he is God in heaven and you are here on earth. Basically, keep quiet unless you mean it. few meant words are better than many babbled words. HA! and I'm such a babbaler. I've actually been thinking of trying to go a day and just not talk at all unless someone is directly asking me to. That would be nuts! But yeah...patience is it. God has been telling me to pray..and patience and perssistance seem to be the key things there. I'm such a "here and now" person. I always want things immediately. Human nature I guess. Anyway, thats enough babbling for one night!

arg..

2005-05-17T18:59:00.000-04:00

Man I hate how judgemental the church is! Just hearing how much people have been hurt by that makes me soo mad! When did the church turn into a breeding ground of malicious finger pointers, who have forgotten the plank in their eye? If our hearts were right with God in the first place, none of this would be an issue. But then again, it is defintely easier to find faults in other people than to deal with your own.

Prayer

2005-05-16T19:24:00.000-04:00

Okay, so for like months God has been impressing on me to pray. REALLY pray. Not just the standard, "I pray for this person and that person, and bless this and that", but REALLY hardcore prayer. If the truth be told, I'm not entirely sure what that looks like. But I have defintely been ressisting God on this. I'm not entierly sure why either. Probbably beacuse I'm just plain lazy. But MAN! God's word says "cursed is the man who is lax in the Lords work". (Jerimiah something) It's weird to think about, but what if God wanted to do something SO big and SO huge in your town or your family or your school, and all he was waiting for was you to get down on your knees and pray? I was reading this book and one thing that really hit me was this: "What if revival in your family/school/town depended on your prayer life?" You know what the crazy thing is? It's true. I opened my bible to a verse in Luke 18, which "And will not God bring about justice for his chosen ones, who cry out to him DAY AND NIGHT?" (Luke 18:7) WHO CRY OUT TO HIM DAY AND NIGHT! I am so quick to "pray" but not really pray, nor pray consistantly. It's totally about persevernce and patience..which I really really hate. Seeing as I tend to lack those two qualities quite often...God isn't intrested in a lukewarm church, or a lukewarm christian for that matter. His word says he would rather us be hot or cold..but not lukewarm. "So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth."(Rev. 3) Man...I think it would be a lie if I said I haven't been lukewarm. The good thing is, I'm not satisfied there. I know God has bigger plans. Which leads me to question WHY ON EARTH am I not crying out to God "day and night"? Why is it so hard for me to just be alone with God in the quiet place, not distracted, not caught up in the affairs of the day? What would it look like if I did? Mountains would move from their place. Maybe part of the reason why is beacuse like my good friend Steve said, prayer changes your heart. And when your heart changes, your actions change, and then your whole life changes. Christianity wasn't meant to be lived half- way. it becomes a joke and a mockery if it is tried. Sure it can be done. But make no mistake, if you are a sunday, wednesday christian, you are being deprived. I have been deprived. Perhaps the reason for lack of prayer is not lack of belief, but the knowledge of knowing what may come from it. It's repsonsibility. Accountability. Man I HATE head knowledge..I want it in my heart.

Here we go....

2005-05-16T17:29:00.000-04:00

Well, here I am, my first offical blog post-ever! I must say, I have been somewhat inspired by all you crazy bloggers out there. Seeing as I'm such a great talker (i.e I don't know how to shut up) I figure this might just work for me. Maybe I'll even talk a little less in class if I get it all out over here! Then again, that is a pretty high hope!